


She's Always a Woman

by RegallyWickedThirteen



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Useless Lesbians, all warnings will be marked, gentleman jack au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:08:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23359033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegallyWickedThirteen/pseuds/RegallyWickedThirteen
Summary: Gentleman Jack SQ AU.Emma comes back to Shibden after travelling around Europe. She finds herself enthralled with her new neighbour, a Miss Regina Mills. Emma believes that love is love, unfortunately society disagrees, will she find her soulmate or will her heart get broken again.
Relationships: Elsa & Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Red Riding Hood | Ruby/Emma Swan, Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard & Emma Swan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 74





	1. Return to Shibden

**Author's Note:**

> A long author's note to start, 
> 
> I debated for a long time about who would be Anne Lister because I can see her in both Emma and Regina. I chose Emma, despite Regina looking more like her physically, I think that Regina comes from wealth and because of her complicated relationship with Cora in Once would have struggled to accept her sexuality fully. 
> 
> Emma and Mary Margaret are sisters, not mother and daughter as it fits better. 
> 
> Cora is Regina’s aunt not mother because again it fits better. 
> 
> I loved writing this but also found it a challenge so please do let me know what you think. Thank you to Nati (Happy Birthday my lovely) and Keeley who have helped and cheerleaded me through writing this. You girls are awesome! 
> 
> I am a history nerd and studied gender and sexuality in Victorian Britain so in the author notes at the end of relevant chapters I will include anything which is historically relevant. 
> 
> Last but not least I hope that in these crazy times everyone is staying inside and well and this brings you all some joy.

1832- Halifax. 

Regina can’t remember the last time she came up North. She forgot how beautiful it is. She also forgot how bumpy the tracks were. She’s sat staring at the rolling hills, inhaling the fresh country air, when Cora points out Shibden Hall. It’s a grand, tudor house, that has long been shrouded with an air of mystery. The proprietors, the Swans have always been infamous. Their eldest daughter Emma Swan, was a well known name among the social circles, many a tale and a rumour surrounded her. Not that Regina usually paid much creed to gossip- preferring to judge for herself. 

She was lost in thought when suddenly the carriage shunned to the side, in that moment her sad lonely miserable life flashed before her eyes. 

She heard screams, then the cry of an anguished parent. 

There’s a flurry of activity, the various witnesses in differing levels of shock. The boy’s leg has been trapped under the wheel, his face is ghostly pale and the leg is broken and if he lies on the ground anymore it is likely to become infected. 

Regina follows her aunt, willing herself not to be sick, she wasn’t injured, as they approach the nearby Shibden Hall, she hopes the boy can be saved. She also knows that the injury is life altering whether he is saved or not. 

///

Regina and Cora are ushered into the parlour, and offered tea. Tea made everything better. It was true, and after a long journey she could not deny that she was parched, still it felt wrong to be drinking tea and discussing the local society while there was a little boy who would likely lose his leg. It was an injustice she had never got accustomed to. Still she smiles and nods when appropriate, these are her new neighbours and she will never hear the end of it if she is not polite. 

There is no denying the awkwardness, but Cora and whom she assumes is the aunt make up for it. 

It’s been a long day and it’s just gone noon. 

///

The Mills have just left and talk has already returned to Emma. Mary Margaret loves her sister, she does, she doesn’t love how the world revolves around her. She supposes she is jealous, Emma can, and regularly does leave this small little town where everyone knows and judges everything, Emma cannot be tamed, does not wish to be, and part of Mary Margaret admires that. Part of her is resentful because it’s her that has listen to the things people say about her sister, she has to listen to the judgements that a woman doing a man is wrong. 

Her sister is a hurricane, hurls in, disrupts everything in her path and then leaves, just as quickly and with as little warning as she arrives. 

///

There’s something freeing about being in control of the carriage, a rush of adrenaline. She feels like nothing can touch her. She’s also aware that she has a badly injured boy in the carriage who needs attention quickly, still she can’t help but look down this old town road, the houses were the same, the people still as judgemental. The gasps, incredulous looks, how dare a woman ride. 

She drops the boy, August, off at the hospital, she’s assured that they will do everything they can to help him, but he is likely to lose his leg. She nods, saying to pass any bills for medicine to her. His father had always been a good tenant of hers and she is a lot of things but she is not heartless. 

She briefly introduces her new maid- Ella, she had picked her up in France and despite the lack of English she has been a competent maid - the only problem is that she suffers from travel sickness and that, that’s going to be a problem. 

As she reaches the top of the hill she sees the hall below, Home sweet home, She’s been an icarus and got burned, burned worse than she ever has before. The only problem with living in the stars, flying high without a care in the world, following your heart wherever it leads is that there comes a point where you must fall. Crashing back down to earth, to a mundane reality. Shabby Shibden and her shabby little broken family. 

For all the rush and sudden hive of activity you’d have been forgiven for thinking that the Queen were arriving at Shibden that afternoon. Maids scurried around, making sure the fires were lit, the courtyard swept, tea on the stove. The groomsmen tried to coax Percy (a thoroughbred that had been suffering from illness for the past few weeks) to look a little less ill, doormen announcing Emma’s imminent arrival and Mary Margaret once again announcing how much Emma sent everything slightly haywire. 

Supper is awkward to say the least, Emma commenting on every single thing that needs to be improved and fixed, she does not mean to be so critical but it annoys her that other people can’t see these things. Simple things that if implemented and stuck too would make Shibden run a little more smoothly but her family do not like change, and with the exception of her aunt, everyone is still slightly bitter that she got left the estate. She dismisses talk of Hastings, it has nothing to do with them and they’d only disapprove anyway. Her and Mary Margaret share sharp glares over the table, they love each other, but they do not live well together. It’s then that talk turns to the various gossip circulating and she tunes out, concentrating on the food. Taxes need collecting but Gepetto is out, something which until now her family had neglected to tell her until now. She knew he had been struggling for a while, his leg giving him bother, makes it her business to keep up to date with the various tenants and staff wherever she is in the world, but she had been unaware of his condition had worsened. 

"Who will collect the taxes?" She asks. 

It’s meant with a stony silence and sometimes she cannot believe her family. 

“Well” 

Another silence. 

It’s a wonder the house and estate hasn’t fallen into complete disrepair already. If you need a job doing, do it yourself. 

Mary Margaret begins to protest - something about it not being right for a woman to collect taxes. She mutters that her father will accompany her, she does not need to be chaperoned but her father should know the exact situation of most of her tennants better than she does. 

That’s tomorrow’s issue, today she will visit Gepetto and ask him about the lie of the land. Back to Halifax she goes. 

Upon arriving at the house she finds the curtains drawn, but hears voices inside, she knocks and waits but receives no answer. She’s on a self imposed schedule so makes her way to the guinel that runs parallel to the houses. The walls are high, but not impassable, with the help of a few abandoned barrels. After arranging them and removing her hat, it would only fall off, it’s a simple hop skip and a jump over the wall. Emma hammers on the kitchen door and announces her arrival, Mrs Briggs (Eugena) answers the door almost immediately and shows her to Gepetto who is looking pale in the armchair. She apologises for not answering the front door, none of them are really up to visitors, something which Emma understands and reassures Eugena of. 

She asks how he’s feeling, and he gives his signature smile, Gepetto is a warm and kind hearted man and knows Emma better than her own father. It’s also for that very reason he’s been such an asset at collecting taxes, people trust and respect him. He sends Eugena to get the book, Emma thanks him for it and notes that despite his deteriorating health the records are as immaculate as always. She goes up to leave, it’s clear he needs rest, but Gepetto brings her in closer. 

“Shibden is rich in coal,” he says, “it always has been, but with the rise of these locomotive engines and railways popping up everywhere it’s value is growing, reopen the pits, it will bring Shibden back to its glory days” 

Emma knew about the coal, there was a long abandoned pit, the cost, dangers and lack of workers had not made economic sense at the time, at least not commercially, but clearly that was changing and was something in which she should look into. Thanking Gepetto and wishing him every comfort she left. If she were more sentimental perhaps she would reflect that this could have been the last time she saw Gepetto but Emma didn’t do goodbyes. Not after losing Samuel. 

///

Ella knew that it would hurt, knew that it wasn’t going to be pleasant, but it felt like her insides were being ripped out. 

She didn’t want anyone to see, no one could know, she’d be dismissed immediately. It was too late, Belle had seen her. Belle ushered her into the kitchen, she knew what had happened and felt sorry for the girl, but what she had done could get them all into trouble, “Who’s is it?” she asked. 

Ella didn’t want to tell her, couldn’t tell her. Being pregnant out of wedlock and trying to get rid of the baby was one thing, it was another for the father to be one of Miss Emma’s grooms, it would be a scandal of epic proportions. She was thinking of coming clean to Miss Swan, at least then she would not be caught unawares, Belle disagreed. 

“Miss Swan knows what it’s like to be caught up in the pleasure, to indulge, no matter their status or gender” 

Belle had heard the rumours everyone had, and there may have been moments where she had turned away choosing to be blissfully ignorant but she would not have the new maid be so blatant about such things. 

///

Emma has been back here for a day and she’s already exhausted, so when she sees Mary Margaret approaching she lets out an audible sigh, she can’t deal with her sister, not now. 

“Don’t you think you’re taking on too much” she queries 

“Mary Margaret the hardcastle boy is injured, Geppetto is dying, no one sought a replacement to collect the taxes, so yes maybe I am taking on too much but no one else is going to do it,” she exclaims. 

Mary Margaret concedes that she has a point but can’t help herself “it’s not proper for a woman to collect taxes” 

Emma is tempted to point out that a lot of what she does is not considered proper for a woman but neither of them have the energy for that conversation so she nods but tells her that she will do it anyway and to “let people talk”. 

Mary Margaret knows that’s the end of that conversation and hands her a note, it’s from Miss Wolfe, about Miss Frost. 

Emma snatches the note and heads up stairs. 

///

She spends a few minutes searching through her clothes, she’s supposed to be unpacking but she can’t have too many things going on in her brain. 

She finds her diary, it’s the only thing that keeps her vaguely sane, her refuge and turns to the page. It’s in code, partly because she finds the very notion of code and language exciting and partly because she knows that if people were to discover this she would be sent to the asylum. 

Sunday 15th April 1832. Hastings. 

I started the day blissfully unaware. I was going to ask Miss Frost, Elsa to marry me, I felt for sure we both felt the same way, both of us had talked about Italy, we’d visit Rome first, with all its history and art, two women in love. 

The truth is out. Miss Frost will go to Italy, just not with me. 

It hurts to remember it, to wake up gazing out into the ocean, so sure that this would be the happiest day of her life, only to go into the drawing room and being confronted by Elsa and Hans (a dutch merchant) whom Emma would not trust to keep a fish alive. 

Her dreams were crushed when Elsa kissed him and took his hand in hers. Emma knew then that she would not be proposing today, nor to any day. Elsa had made her choice, she chose to live with a man who didn’t and could never love her. She let fear chose and win as it so often did. 

She wants to rip the page out and throw it into the fire, watch it as it burns, but knows that deep down it will do nothing, a broken heart can only be healed with time. 

She takes a deep breath and heads towards her Aunt’s room. 

They talk of her Aunt’s health, she is ill and her leg bothers her, but she will not admit to how much. 

Granny asks of Hastings and it’s too raw, especially after just reading her diary, so Emma just says that she got her heart broken. Granny comforts her, and strokes her hair, and Emma just lets herself be vulnerable, let herself feel. After a few moments Granny begins to talk about the Miss Regina Mills that has moved to the neighbouring house. She mentions her timid nature and her beauty, wealth but most of all that she needs a good friend. Emma knows what she’s doing and while she admits she is intrigued she also can’t go there, can’t give herself to a woman fully yet, not commit anyway, especially as it seems that Miss Mills may be having some trouble figuring out who she is. She is sure that their paths will cross sooner or later and perhaps when she’s less raw and feeling more like herself she will feel differently.


	2. Can't fight this feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think it's about time our two leading ladies met, don't you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to Anne Lister! 
> 
> Thank you to all those that have read and commented so far, I hope you enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> All mistakes are my own. 
> 
> There is Emma/Ruby pairing in this chapter (it gets a little steamy) but SQ is endgame!

Regina barely has any time to settle in before Doctor Whale arrives. He pokes and prods, asking how she feels within herself- her Aunt Cora talks over her, mentioning the accident- how she thinks it’s affected Regina. Doctor Whale agrees, determines that there is nothing physically wrong with her, which Regina supposes should be comforting, perhaps it would be if he didn’t say it by leering at her breasts. He does suggest that she has a weak spine, and suffers a nervous disposition. Regina clears her throat, announcing to both her aunt and the doctor that she is still here and can hear everything they say. Neither Whale nor Cora seem to care and keep talking about her weak spine, and weak brain. She has neither, all that’s wrong with her is that she has never and could never live up to her family’s impossible expectations. It’s only when word turns to her upcoming trip to The Lakes with her cousin Kathryn that she actually listens and joins the conversation. 

///

As soon as Emma walked in the tavern the nervous chatter stopped, it was almost silent bar the few mutterings of - she really is going to oversee the collection of rent. Emma makes her way to the bar, she’s going to need a pint to get through this. The first couple of meetings go smooth enough, their rents are paid and up to date, they have no complaints about the buildings and are glad to see her back, Emma smiles and lies “It’s good to be back”. 

She looks at the list - ah Mr Jones, this one should be interested, she stands to meet him, needn’t have Mr Jones is clearly drunk and can barely stand himself- his son beside him looks apologetic. Emma feels for the boy, Liam, she thinks his name is , but she will not be lenient on his father. Mr Jones only has £48, the rent is £50 something which all the other tennents managed to have collected. Apparently her father, in her absence, had let Mr Jones off the £2 because of improvements to the roof which were to be made last January. She will deal with her father later, at least he has the decency to look ashamed, but she will not let Mr Jones off. She knows the Jones household, it's not far from the canal, and the roof as far as she can tell was still intact and regardless that was taken off the last lot of rent. Mr Jones attempts to talk or rather flirt his way out of it and Emma wonders if that ever works, regardless it will not work with her. A few minutes later and Mr Jones is gradually getting angrier, she will not tolerate this, she makes it clear she expects the full rent within the week or they will lose their plot. She will not be spoken down to and lectured by a tenant. She hopes he sobers up and finds the money, because the Jones’s for the most part are a lovely family. 

///

Emma returns to the house and finds Mr Hopper waiting for her. She has not had many dealings with Mr Hopper before, he works for Miss Mills, but the times she has he’s been pleasant and charming. She hopes her first impressions aren’t wrong (they rarely are) because she wishes to discuss coal with him. 

Mr Hopper seemed shocked at first, whether it the topic or her enthusiasm surrounding it she wasn’t sure. He is knowledgeable on the subject, is aware that there is a lot of coal on the grounds of Shibden. 

Archie had been a little surprised when he’d received word that Miss Swan had wanted to see him, and had spent the short walk debating the reason, he had not been expecting to discuss coal. He supposes one should expect the unexpected with Miss Swan. He can practically see the cogs in her brain whirring and say what you like about Emma but one thing is clear she is extremely intelligent and commits to things 100%. 

Emma did not fully understand the coal business so therefore was considering leasing her land- she’d still make good money, but without the huge upfront cost and human risk. The Gold’s would be able to offer the most money,Archie interrupts her before looking sheepish and motioning for her to continue. She listens though as he tells her that he, personally, would not do business with The Gold’s, they aren’t pleasant people to do business. He is fairly certain they are already stealing her coal and will try to manipulate her into a lower price. He mentions the possibility of sinking her own pit. She would make more money in the long run, definitely, but with that comes an initial cost. Emma nods, there’s a lot of elements to think about, and she needs to know more before she makes a decision, and can trust Archie to gather that information. He nods before leaving Emma to her thoughts. 

//

She doesn’t have much time to contemplate it, Ruby arrives today and she needs to change. Ella helps with her hair and all of a sudden a rush of memories flood back. She’s in Hastings, looking across the Atlantic, Elsa moves up behind her and gently caresses her neck with light kisses. Emma moves to rest her head on her shoulder before she realises she’s not in Hastings but Shibden. Ella to her credit, has carried on like nothing happened. 

Ruby arrives and all are ushered into the dining room. Conversation, unsurprisingly, was mainly around coal. Mary Margaret thinks that investing in coal whether through leasing or sinking her own pit, is stupid and reckless but she would. Her father stays silent, knows that there are some battles he isn’t going to win, or at least not today. Granny is concerned of the dangers to the workers and how it will affect current tenants, and that is Emma’s concern - it would offer them more work, but its dirty work, dangerous work. Talk turns to Miss Wolfe, and how she’s enjoying life with her husband, William or Billy as she so affectionately calls him. Emma cannot help but smirk. Ruby loves Billy, she does, just as Billy loves her, but both are each others covers, preferring to keep the company of the same sex. 

///

It seems like hours before the house is asleep and Ruby sneaks into her room, just as she’d done all those years ago at boarding school. 

They waste no time in talking, both have an itch that desperately needs scratching. 

Emma isn’t gentle, lifts Ruby’s hands above her head and pins her down before finding her clit and rubbing it furiously, Ruby is soaking, clearly Billy has not been satisfying her, Her fingers find her vagina and she thrusts matching Emma. Ruby pants, and Emma’s tempted to tell her to be quiet but honestly she doesn’t care, and before long both women feel the climax overcome them and collapse. Ruby feels thoroughly sated. Emma somehow seems more pent up. 

Ruby sighs, she was going to leave this until later, maybe after another round but it’s clear this can’t wait. 

“Emma you need to get married. To a man” 

Emma doesn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or scream. Her and Ruby had known each other forever, they’d shared everything. Ruby was supposed to be the one person who actually understood her and she tells Ruby as much. 

“I will marry one day, and that day I will marry out of love, not because that is what is expected of me, or as some mask to behind myself. It might work for you Ruby, to marry a man who understands he can never fully satisfy you, who knows there will be a certain level in which he can never reach, but I cannot do that, to myself or the poor soul that would be my husband.” 

Ruby looks hurt, good, “I’m saying this because I do love you Emma, more than you will ever know. I’m saying this because I care for you and I see your heart, how big it is, how fragile, how it’s going to get broken. You cannot marry a woman Emma, no church will ever allow it, and I worry you will never find a woman who is willing to risk everything, to ignore all the comments and looks like you. I’m saying this because I love you and because nobody else will. “

There’s some truth in that, Emma knows that she will never be able to formally marry a wife, but she truly does believe there are other women out there who are fed up with being told what they can and cannot do, who they can and cannot love. 

“I know, I do, but the only things I’m scared of are mediocrity and banality, Ruby. I cannot live my life within the expectations that have been placed on me, it will drive me insane. Society gala’s bore me. I’m restless. Maybe one day I will settle, but not today” 

Ruby smiles, she still worries about Emma, knows that Hastings has shaken her more than Emma will ever admit, but she’s a strong woman. 

///

Regina is pleased when she hears word of The Locksley’s visiting. Both Robin and Marian have always been kind to her, without judging her. Neither are particularly posh - Robin loves the outdoors, would rather be in the estates that surround Sherwood than the house itself. Marian was not born into wealth and thus treats everyone with warmth and kindness. Both are pleased to have their niece closer to them. Marian cannot stop gushing about Miss Swan, acknowledges the rumours but says she admires her honesty to herself, Emma would be a good friend to have, sure of herself, incredibly clever, but kind too. Regina finds herself wanting to meet Emma more and more and is delighted when The Locksley’s suggest going together this afternoon. 

///

Emma is not in the mood for visitors, returning to Shibden has been exhausting, so when she is told by the manservant that there are visitors in the parlour she nearly sighed, he tells her that it’s the Locksley’s with a Miss Regina Mills in toe, and suddenly she finds she does not mind visitors so much. 

She makes her way into the room, apologising for her tardiness, Marian and Robin dismiss her apology, offering their own for turning up unannounced. It’s then that Emma sees Regina and she’s glad she manages to stop her jaw from dropping. Regina is stunning, her raven black hair carefully styled but it’s clear that she has natural curls, her lips as red as snow, a bold choice but it suits her. Her eyes are amber and there’s a sparkle in them. She’s blushing. 

Remembering her manners she introduces herself, and both women find themselves enthralled. 

Regina has seen Emma once before, remembers her flowing blonde hair and emerald eyes even now but life has treated her very well. Gone are the slightly gangly arms, replaced by more muscles than she knew existed, she feels a strange warmth and finds that maybe moving really was what she needed. 

The other people in the room disappear, nothing in the room compared to Regina’s beauty. She finds herself falling hopelessly in love with her nervous smile and sparkling eyes, and the way she sticks her tongue out when she’s embarrassed or stuck in thought. She’s in trouble. 

The question is will Regina ever love her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, next chapter will come next Saturday. 
> 
> Please do leave comments and kudos as it really does make me smile!


	3. Happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina get to know each other more and try to work out what it is they are feeling. AKA The one where the two useless lesbians refuse to accept how much they love each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to those who have reviewed and commented on this story so far! 
> 
> Happy Easter/Passover week to those that celebrate it! 
> 
> This is the longest chapter yet.   
> This one’s an emotional rollercoaster…

The next day finds Emma up with the sun and the birds. If this were a scene from a fairytale it would be the one where the Princess sings to the birds, smiling brightly. Emma has not felt like this in a long time, it’s the first time since returning from Hastings that she has felt like there is hope, and hope is the most important thing anyone can have. 

She is restless throughout breakfast, a ball of buzzing nervous energy. If her family think it strange then they are wise enough to not question it. 

After breakfast she begins the walk to Regina’s home, it’s a beautiful, if little crisp morning and she hopes it will give her time to calm down a little. She can’t come on too strong to Regina, doing so will only scare her. 

Regina’s no stranger to a sleepless night, but this time it's for a very different reason. Her nightmares of being a disappointment and dying alone without knowing what love is replaced by a dream. A dream where her and Emma live in a different time, in a different place, where they could love (she is hesitant to use this word, to think that it’s a possibility but it is) and live out their happily ever after. 

She’s in one of the mansion’s many sitting rooms when there is a gentle knock at the door, giving her permission for them to enter, she smiles at Will as he presents Miss Swan, he offers them both a smile before leaving them to talk. 

Both are grinning, but it’s awkward, they both know what they want , both are unsure how to get it. Emma breaks the tension. 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this room” she remarks.   
Regina nods “When my mother died” 

Emma manages to curtail her surprise just in time, maybe this will be easier than she thought. 

Regina is not good with silence, it makes her feel nervous, like she’s done something wrong. 

She blushes and finds herself again wishing Emma did not get her so flustered. 

“I remember we walked the gardens together, you were so grown up, so sure of yourself. You were a brightness on a dark day.” 

Emma nods, she remembers the day too, Regina had been very shy- even more so than now, but she’d lost her parents, she was an orphan, she was lost, she’s still lost. Emma remembers thinking, wishing to take her under the wing, but that was improper, there were family (aunts, uncles that would do that). 

“I ran after you that day” Regina admits. 

Emma doesn’t remember that. 

“I wanted to ask you for tea. It sounds silly, foolish, now” 

Emma is realising it will not be Regina’s desires she will have a problem with, but her confidence. 

“I do not and could never think you foolish Regina, please remember that always. Life is short and has many twists and turns, we must grip it with both horns.” 

“I’ll try, it’s just so hard. My family have a life mapped out for me. One where I’m a wife and a mother, where I sit still and look pretty. I….I can’t have that life, I’m infertile, the doctors can’t tell me why, my family refuses to believe it, think it an excuse at best. At worst they use it as an insult, I’m a failure because I cannot have a child. They don’t understand how painful it is, to know that you can’t have a child, I cannot say that giving birth has particularly appealed to me but having children was always a dream of mine - children are full of hope and adventure, they view the world with a beauty adults rarely do. I have made peace with my condition, have always thought I would take in a child from an orphanage if the opportunity arose, but it’s still hard, to know that for so many people your body has rejected one of it’s crucial roles.”

Emma hugs her, knows the courage that conversation took, “You’re perfect, just the way you are, and I cannot say that the thought of giving birth appeals to me either” 

Regina smiles and just lets herself breathe. 

“I visited Georges Cuvier in Paris.” Emma begins “I couldn’t study, what being the wrong sex” it’s said with a bitterness “I’m fascinated by science. There’s so much we don’t know yet. He was looking at the brain and the human anatomy. The brain is incredible. One organ which controls so much. The brain allows us to see, to see the beauty the world is capable of, it gives us the capacity to think for ourselves, to challenge what we’ve been told. It allows us to dream. “ 

Regina smiles, she loves how passionate Emma gets, she truly has a thirst for knowledge and it’s refreshing. 

///

Back at Shibden, Ella is once again the talk of the kitchen. 

“What’s she going to do?” one maid asks. 

“Find a kind fella and a christian heart” 

///

They’ve moved closer now, and they could stay like this. 

Regina thanks Emma for the way she dealt with Doctor Whale yesterday, knows it isn’t necessary, knows Emma will dismiss it, but she needs to say it to get it off her chest if nothing else. 

“I don’t like him, never have, he’s never touched her thank goodness, but the looks, they make me feel sick” she says. 

Emma is angry, hates that one second Regina can be so animated, so full of life, and then suddenly becomes withdrawn, especially when it is caused by that creep of a doctor. 

“Can you not go with someone else, surely you can afford a different doctor” 

Regina laughs, because yes money is definitely not the issue. “If I go with someone else the whole tribe investigates and they’ll be on his side. I will be imagining things, his looks are nothing more than him examining me. His comments, mere observations. It will cause more problems than it’s worth.” 

Both don’t like it, but both seem resigned to the fact that this is one thing that isn’t going to change. 

Whether it’s the fact that they’ve both got an undeniable connection, or because they both feel free with each other or simply because they want to, they lean closer. Eyes close, and lips almost brush, but at the last minute Emma pulls away. She can’t quite believe it, wants to lean back in and capture Regina’s lips with such passion, she won’t, Regina’s not ready. 

Regina turns away, takes a minute to try and regain her composure, she doesn’t know what came over her. She’s glad Emma pulled away, they couldn’t do that, two women didn’t do that. They were friends. They were so much more than friends. One day she would kiss Emma and be unafraid, but as much as she wished it could be, today was not that day. 

///

The coal issue is already grating on her. She needs to invest, if she doesn’t then she’s losing out and will get left behind. It’s just the issue of who. The Midas’s can offer a decent price, but according to Archie, the Gold’s are in a position to do more. Emma suspected that would be the case, knowing that the Gold’s are the best placed financially to extract the coal, they also have their nefarious activities to hide. Emma really does not want to do business with The Gold’s, they are snakes, they do not care about anything other than the money. Part of her knows that it is the best way to get the money without accepting any risk, but she doesn’t trust the Gold’s not to run as soon as trouble hit. She thanks Archie

///

Mr Gold wondered why he paid so many people to do things and to keep things secret, to keep things in his favour when they seemed so incapable of doing it. At least if he did it himself he knew it would be to an acceptable standard. 

He was already to kill someone when he marched into the court house. His son was close behind him. What did he want now? 

“What Neal, I’m very busy” he said exasperatedly. 

“Emma Swan is rumoured to be looking into getting into the coal business, in discussions with the Midas’s. They’ll find out about how we’ve been stealing the coal, that’s if she doesn’t know already, which wouldn’t surprise me” Neal says, pacing up and down the office. 

“We” Gold interrupts. “The coal is your side of the business Neal, your mess. You clean it up and for god's sake do not let that petulant child run rings around you.” 

Neal nods, knows that the conversation is over, and that his father will throw him in jail himself if it protects his reputation. He’s always known this, but the reminders always hurt. 

///

Emma had been meaning to visit Henry for a while, but between Regina and the coal she’s become a little distracted, but she has never been one to forget about the lives of the tenants so she begins the walk to their smallholding. She’s greeted by his father, Daniel a quiet but kind man, and their other children, Emma has already been slightly awkward around children. She doesn’t know how to act around them. She does admire how curious they are, a trait which so many seem to grow out of. She greets his wife, and they tell her that he hasn’t spoken since the accident, she nods sadly, and hopes that he will talk soon, if only to let out all the pain. 

He’s playing with a peg soldier and she’s sure she has a similar one at home, from her father, he looks at her with a question in his eyes. 

“Are you a man?” he asks, it’s barely above a whisper but in the awkward silence it’s like a shout. 

Daniel starts to apologise, but Emma stops him, Henry is not the first person to ask, and at least he has the decency to do it to her face. 

“No, no I’m not a man, I’m a woman, lady, woman.” she’s spluttering and can feel tears in her eyes. She’s not really sure why she feels like crying. 

“I’m a lady” she says with more conviction this time. 

Henry nods and smiles. “You look pretty and your hat is cool” It’s only then when everyone in the room breathes. 

Emma laughs, realising it was genuine curiosity rather than judgement. 

She asks about his soldier and his face lights up, he tells her everything about it, it’s such a stark contrast to just an hour ago and Emma feels a little lighter. 

///

Emma hates how shabby Shibden looks, she wants to renovate, not the house so much, despite needing repainting it’s grandeur speaks for itself, she wants to put an oriental garden in, some new hedges, landscape the surrounding fields so it looks less like a farm. 

“It is a farm” is Mary Margaret’s rather indignant reply. 

Emma rolls her eyes. This is not, nor much to her annoyance, will it be the last time they will have this conversation. 

The two sisters smile and reluctantly agree to disagree before Emma announces she is off to see Miss Mills. 

She ignores Mary Margaret mutterings of “you two are getting awfully close” 

///

When she arrives Regina is clearly in a state, about what she’s not quite sure, she’s pacing and scowling at herself. It’s unfairly attractive, but that’s not what Emma should be focusing on right now, so instead she reaches out to Regina and brings her into a hug. 

Regina lets herself breathe and Emma can see her more clearly now, she’s not upset, she is, but it’s not the overriding emotion, she’s angry. 

“My cousin wants to borrow money” she says, clearly disgruntled. “I would give it him, if I knew it were of an urgent nature, if he wasn’t going to blow it on frivolities.” 

“Can you not tell your cousin that” Emma asks, it’s more judgemental than she intended but Regina needs to get accustomed to saying no. 

“I could” Regina begins “It’s just that would cause a whole lot of talk among the family, of how insubordinate I am, how much of a disappointment I am, how I really should be more grateful. Sometimes I think I will tell them exactly how I feel, exactly how damaging saying stuff like that really is but then I relent because they’re my family.”

Emma considers what she’s going to say next carefully. She is all too aware of what it’s like to be a woman with money, a woman with power independent to her husband. She knows and she has learned not to care, to brush it off with a sarcastic jab or a well timed exit, Regina is different. She is not meek and shy as Emma had once thought, she is quick and her wit and brains would overrule any man, she’s just scared, scared that a house of cards will come tumbling down. 

“I understand but it is your money, if they wish to have it , they must be willing to comply with your terms. We will write a letter to your cousin together, telling him that (if you wish) you will give him the money he asks for, but he cannot ask for more within a given time period.” 

Regina nods her head and begins writing. 

Emma smiles, she adds a word here or there, crosses out a thank you, Regina gives her a questioning look. 

“Women are expected to say thank you for everything, it is you doing him a favour, he should be the one thanking you” 

She nods and mentions how “she wouldn’t be able to do this without her” 

Emma shakes her head, Regina has written it, she’s merely tweaked it. 

///

The letter is given to a servant to post urgently and the two retire to the drawing room. 

Regina mentions going to The Lakes with her cousin Tink. It means nothing and Emma knows this but finds jealousy boiling within her. She doesn’t realise the full extent until she hears a snap. 

Both are shocked to see the paper knife in her hand now in half. 

Emma looks away embarrassed. She never gets like this. 

She starts apologising, knows it is some family heirloom. 

Regina sees Emma begin to shape, can swear she sees tears prick at her eyes so gently places her hand on her shoulder. 

“Emma, it’s okay, I have other penknives” 

“I will replace it, but it would never have the same value, I’m so sorry Regina” 

“I think it would,” Regina says and suddenly the air is heavy and light. 

Emma takes a breath, she’s never been shy in showing affection to Regina or anyone else she’s taken a fancy to, but she had never truly dreamed Regina would return it. 

There are so many things to say, but none of them feel right, so instead she changes topics to the theatre, and a particular experience she had in Amsterdam. 

She describes the peep holes, swears she didn’t know what they were at first, but it soon became apparent as a rather erotic show began. 

She sees Regina blush and can’t help but smile at her innocence. 

She also wonders how innocent Regina truly is. 

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” she asks gently. 

Regina looks away embarrassed. “Only to see what it was like” 

“And what was it like” Emma knows she shouldn’t be pressing but sometimes she just can’t help herself. 

“Awkward, uncomfortable. He was rather more eager than me” 

“Men"

Regina chuckles at that before asking, "Have you… Kissed anyone I mean" 

"no" 

It's a lie and they both know it. 

"Why are you lying?" 

" I I…" Emma begins. 

" I know you have a reputation Emma. I'm not some hermit. Until now I had decided to ignore it, choosing to believe the kind, patient, generous woman in front of me rather than the rumours about scandals and heartbreaks. I am innocent and yes perhaps a little naive but I am not stupid."

If the tirade wasn't directed at her she would probably congratulate Regina on her assertiveness instead she looks down. Ashamed. 

"I don't think you're stupid"

Regina looks unconvinced 

“I don’t. I know I come across as confident in myself and my feelings and I am. Most of the time. There are still some days when it gets to me - I know what the rumours are, I’m not a proper woman because of the clothes I wear. I’m not a proper woman because I choose not to keep the company of men who would be with me and resent me because of the money that I have. I should be quiet - business is not meant for a woman. I try and rise above it, because I would rather be happy than confirm but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean I like the fact that I have to be careful with who I trust, who I show myself to. I’m sorry I lied. So here’s the truth: I’ve kissed 3 people” 

Regina arches her eyebrow at that. 

“Yes the rumours suggest more, I know, but it’s 3 - a girl at boarding school - Mal, Ruby and Elsa. I really like you and I really want to kiss you” 

Emma moves slightly closer, places her hand on Regina’s knee, the other hand bringing her head closer, she leans in, and for a split second everything is perfect. 

Regina jerks her head away leaving Emma confused and mortified. 

“Regina I’m sorry. I I thought you wanted me to kiss you. I must have misread. Please don’t hate me.” 

She darts out of the room, willing herself not to cry, not to fall apart. 

Regina’s quiet “I could never hate you” does very little to ease her pain. 

She really thought this time would be different. She was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of chapter note: 
> 
> I’m sorry but we needed some angst. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read so far. Comments are loved and appreciated and help make me think I’m not the only person who wanted a crossover!!! 
> 
> Historical Note: 
> 
> Theatres were common places for people to meet if they were engaging in adultery or hiring a prostitute for the night.


	4. I miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our ladies have met, but both are miserable, there's no way their friendship could be something more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short filler chapter, but it's needed! 
> 
> All mistakes are my own, I've tried to proof read, but been struggling with migraine's this week so I've probably still missed some.

Emma hasn’t slept. She’s tortured herself with every moment she’s spent with Regina. Wonders where it all went wrong. Tries to work out just when she fell so completely for the woman, she knows this - the first moment they set eyes on each other. She wants to hate Regina. Wishes she was strong enough to just walk away but she doesn’t know if she can cope with that. The truth is that her heart hurts but she fears she will never recover if she loses Regina as a friend. 

It’s a new dawn, a new day and she needs to fuel her heartbreak and frustration out on someone and Mr Gold seems like the perfect person. 

She marches into Town and almost feels sorry for the people that dare to get in her way. Almost. 

She sees the kids scuttle away as she reaches the gates. 

Gold barely has time to prepare himself before Emma barges into his office. 

He’s not surprised to see her. She is angry that much is clear, and he has to admit he is a little scared. As much as he hates to admit it Emma is a formidable business woman. 

“Mr Gold” she greets tersely. 

“Miss Swan, What can I do for you today?” he asks, far too chipper for Emma’s liking. 

“You can tell me what happened the other day. You seem to know an awful lot about the accident which left one of my tennant’s sons gravely injured” 

“I work in the courthouse, it is my job to know the various incidents, Miss Swan, you know that”

“Yes I do” she knows that finding any concrete proof to implicate the Gold’s will be near impossible to find. 

“I take the health and wellbeing of my tenants very seriously and I will be ensuring the incident is fully investigated and that someone is brought to justice” 

Mr Gold nods, trying and failing to hide his smirk. God Emma hates the imp. 

///

Emma doesn’t really know how or why she ends up here. She has never been one to seek the family’s permission or assistance, her usual mo is to stumble into their lives and just tell them to get used to her. She’s always liked The Locksley’s - they’re fair and unlike the rest of Regina’s family they seem to genuinely care for her. She knows that Marian likes her or at least admires her so her support will be a great help. Plus she needs to know if Regina has mentioned her. If she hasn’t then maybe she’s better off trying to move on, to cut her losses, it will break her, but she will do it. If she has to. 

Marian seems pleasantly surprised to see her and ushers in. 

She sends for tea and asks what brings her here, apologising that Robin isn’t here. Sometimes Emma has to laugh at British society - smiles, apologies and tea. 

Emma’s really nervous. 

“As you may or may not know I have become quite a close to your niece, Miss Mills”

Marian nods her head in the affirmative. 

“I know she has some struggles, as does everyone, but I find she is quite charming, a mind greater than many give her credit for her” 

“She has mentioned you once or twice” Marian says, smirking slightly. “She’s changed since being at Crownest, she’s brighter, more sure of herself, now I’m not saying that’s all to you Miss Swan, but she has benefitted from someone listening to her instead of dismissing her. I like you Miss Swan, and have never paid creed to the rumours, but Regina is my niece - but I love her like she’s my daughter. She is strong in so many ways, but she struggles sometimes with her confidence, be kind.” 

“I will” Emma promises, before thanking her for her time, but she must leave, and has matters to attend to back at Shibden. 

Emma is late. Usually it would not bother her, there is no harm in making them stew but she needs Neal to take her seriously. 

Her father and Mary Margaret seem to have stopped him from leaving, she can see Mary Margaret’s glare as soon as she enters the room. 

“Apologies for my tardiness Neal, you know what it’s like a million things to do, not enough hours in the day to do it all.” 

Neal smiles “Shall we cut the pleasantries then Miss Swan and get down to business” 

“Yes but I’m afraid that if you are here to agree to the price it will be a wasted journey - you see the contract must be signed in the presence of a lawyer, I want to do this deal properly.” 

“I’m here about the price. You see I think I think the price is rather ...steep.” 

“I can assure you the price is quite fair, you will require access across my land, and from the research I’ve done you would still make a fair profit. £227 17 shillings and a sixpence is my final offer. If you or the other party cannot commit I will sink my own pit” 

Mary Margaret and her Uncle look impressed and Emma doesn’t need validation, but it feels good to get it. 

It feels even better to watch Neal chase his tail. 

///

Regina didn’t sleep at all. She shouldn’t have pushed Emma away. She wasn’t ready. She wished she was. Longed to not care about what people might say, Emma made her feel alive in a way no one else had before. She did care. She was scared and while she was scared she owed it to herself and Emma to take it slow. She just hoped that Emma would remain her friend, and doesn't know what she will do if she doesn’t. 

She has no time to ponder on that thought because her cousin, Kathryn, is arriving soon. She is looking forward to her trip to The Lakes, she thinks some time away will help her to sort her feelings out. 

Kathryn arrives just after breakfast and so far has not stopped talking. Regina is grateful for it for the most part, she nods and hums in the right places, assures Kathryn that she is not stupid for believing in true loves or soul mates. She avoids answering whether she believes, she does she thinks, but what a cruel twist of fate is it to love someone and to never be able to tell the whole world about it. 

Kathryn is also very curious about Emma. Asks if she’s met her. Regina nods. Is she nice? Regina turns away - can feel herself blushing. 

“Miss Swan is very pleasant, she’s been a great friend to me over the past few weeks”. 

Kathryn looks like she wants to ask more, but mercifully doesn’t. Although what she says instead isn’t really any better. 

“Is it true she dresses like a man” 

Regina takes a deep breath, knows Kathryn is asking out of curiosity not judgement, but why should it be any of her concern. 

“It’s true she’s not partial to frills or pink dresses but our clothes don’t define us Kathryn” 

Kathryn mutters an apology and Regina apologises for snapping. 

“You can make up your own mind anyway she’ll probably come and say goodbye” 

“Why”

“Because she’s visited The Lake District a lot more than either of us and I thought some local knowledge would be good, even if we will spend most of the time in the house” 

Kathryn seems to accept it and Regina’s glad - she can’t keep justifying every single thing she says about Emma. She shouldn’t have to. 

She also hopes Emma is still coming this afternoon. 

Her answer comes with a knock at the door, it’s her. She came. 

She motions for her to join her, she’s just finishing a painting. Emma didn’t know Regina could draw and is mesmerised by her talent. These are excellent. 

“Thank you, drawing calms me” 

“Will you draw me one day?”, Emma asks

Regina nods, of course. 

The moment is broken by Kathryn entering the room. 

“Miss Swan, a pleasure” 

“Kathryn, I presume, the pleasure is mine” 

It’s formal and awkward and no one in the room can really work out why. 

“Regina are you almost ready” 

“Yes I’m all packed, it just needs to be loaded onto the carriage.” 

“I shall leave you both to it, Enjoy The Lake District, such a beautiful part of the world.”

“Oh Regina, I’m going to a wedding down in London, it’s complicated, I wasn’t going to go - but well you know how word gets around if I don’t go it will look bad, so anyway yes I’ll be in London, I’ve asked my aunt and uncle to keep their eyes and ears open for both of us” 

Regina nods, there’s clearly something Emma isn’t telling her, but she can’t ask now, Kathryn, is already looking curious. 

///

Emma doesn’t really know why she’s here. She never wanted to see Elsa again. She broke her heart in two. This was supposed to be their wedding. Their life together, instead here she stands amongst London society, waiting to see one of their own become married. It’s pompous. A show. Emma hates it. She’s surprised to find that she’s not jealous. Elsa can have him. They deserve each other. 

Emma hates weddings but she is sure of one thing Elsa is not her person. Regina is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Please leave a comment, telling me what you liked, what you didn't, what you're looking forward to etc. Basically just let me know people are actually reading this. Lol.


	5. Reason to hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina make strides in their relationship, but when it comes down to being caught in an act of forbidden love, how will they react. 
> 
> NSFW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all those that have read so far. 
> 
> I'm not the most confident writing smut so I hope that it isn't too clumsy.

It’s been a couple of days since everyone has returned from The Lakes and it’s been perfect. 

Emma had feared that she would have been turned away, and as much as both Kathryn and Regina had been shocked, she was welcomed in from the cold. 

Kathryn had seemed cautious at first, but had soon loosened up and Emma could see them being friends. 

Regina had thought she was dreaming when she saw Emma’s face at the door, it was only Kathryn’s reaction that had assured her it wasn’t. To her cousin’s credit she had not said anything - just raised her eyebrows. She would have to tell her soon - maybe it would help to tell someone. 

They’re reminiscing when Kathryn enters, her mother in toe. She is quiet and cannot bring herself to look at either of them. Regina wants to be angry at her, she knows what is coming but she knows her family, and hopes that Kathryn had just let something slip. 

Her aunt Abigail looks between them both “As you have company perhaps we better leave” 

Regina knows it will only make it worse but still she says “Go on then” 

Emma barely contains her chuckle. 

Her Aunt looks disgusted “I was surprised to hear you were there, Miss Swan” 

“I had some free time and I do love the Lake District” she says with a false sincerity that no one believes. 

///

Sean’s thought about this a lot - he loved his first wife a lot, but sometimes life is cruel and takes those we love away from us, he wants to do it - not just because it’s the right thing to do for Ella and the baby, but because despite the language barrier he finds Ella beautiful and kind. 

Belle thinks he’s joking. 

When she realises he isn’t she’s not quite sure what to say or do. 

“She might laugh or say no,” she warns. 

He nods. 

Belle smiles, He’s a good man, and she truly does hope that somehow this sorry situation will sort itself out. 

///

Once upon a time Regina might have been worried if someone asked her to join them for a walk in the woods without telling her the final destination - she’d heard far too many horror stories. With Emma she had no such reservations, and she was sure that wherever they were going it would be magical. They stop for a second. 

“Do you trust me?” Emma asks

“Yes of course” comes her reply. 

“Close your eyes” 

Regina’s heart flutters. 

She gasps when Emma whispers into her ear “one day soon I’m going to blind fold you, naked and draped over the bed. I’ll touch you, tease you, bring you higher than you’ve ever been before” 

Regina gasps. She wants that. Now. 

Emma laughs at Regina’s reaction but has to admit that she can feel a heat beginning to burn between her legs. 

Brushing the thought away for now she guides Regina a couple more steps before telling her to open her eyes. 

It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust and then she sees it, a small cottage in the clearing.   
It’s ours. A place where we can escape to, and enjoy each other's company without fear of being caught 

Regina is overcome with emotion.

Emma sets about building a fire. 

“Emma” 

Emma’s scared to turn around. This was a big, bold gesture, it was too much, she knew it was but things had been going so well. 

“Yes” 

“I was lonely in The Lakes, to be honest I think I have been lonely all my life but out of all the faces in the world I wanted to see that night it was yours” 

Emma smiles. 

“The day before I left. You implied you wanted to kiss me” 

Emma turns away again, embarrassed, she had thought, hoped they had moved past this, or at least both living in denial. 

“You looked embarrassed, you look embarrassed now, you shouldn’t have been. It doesn’t frighten me. No it does, the way I feel about you terrifies me, but I don’t want to be scared, because you make me feel more than I’ve ever felt before.” 

Emma takes a deep breath and moves closer to Regina, she kneels so they are the same height. They take a minute, gaze into each other's eyes- see their emotions swirling back at each other, love, lust, heartbreak, fear. 

Emma rubs small circles into Regina’s hands, easing the tension she feels. 

Regina’s heart is racing, knows that this is nothing, that the build up will be torture, but what a sweet sweet torture. 

Emma leans closer, brushes kisses on her neck, their feathery, light, they promise more. 

It’s fast yet slow and Regina needs more. 

“Do you want me to kiss you Regina” she whispers. 

“You know I do Emma” 

“You made me wait..I think it’s only fair I make you wait” 

Regina can’t wait so she makes a move. 

The kiss is electric, hungry, and Regina knows that this is what kissing is supposed to be like. 

For a few minutes they lose themselves and it’s perfect. 

Emma pulls away, it’s the last thing she wants to do but she doesn’t want to make Regina run scared again. That doesn’t stop her from asking, nervously, “ I was um I was wondering if you’d give my Granny a formal call” 

“Granny” Regina questions - she thought most of Emma’s family outside her aunt, uncle and sister had died. 

“Oh sorry - my aunt Eugenia, but me and Mary Margaret call her Granny - she’s the closest we’ve ever had to one and prefers it that way - she thinks aunt is too formal” Emma rambles. 

It sounds an awful lot like “meet the parents” except both of their parents have long since passed and that brings its own maelstrom of emotions. 

Regina’s nervous, she knows how much Emma’s aunt means to her but she also knows she can’t deny Emma anything, so she nods. 

Suddenly she has an idea and only hopes Emma will agree “After perhaps we could return to Crow Nest for tea and you could stay the night” 

Emma’s jaw drops. It’s a complete u turn from where they were days ago, she’s not complaining but she needs to know Regina wants this, because once they cross the line Emma’s not sure she will be able to let her go. 

“Are you sure?” 

Regina’s tired of them both doubting what this is, understands it, knows Emma is trying to give her an out. She doesn’t need one. She doesn’t answer the question, instead she pushes Emma against the door. 

Emma did not expect that. For a moment she can’t quite believe it’s happening but then Regina is brushing her neck with kisses, her hand reaching lower and oh god this is already more perfect than she’s ever imagined. 

Fuck. 

“That’s what I intend to do Miss Swan.”

Emma has no idea where this new Regina has come from but she wants her to stay. She shifts their position slightly before she ducks her head, her mouth finding Regina’s breast, she swirls her tongue around her nipples and smirks when she hears a sigh. 

It’s hot and desperate and perfect. 

They need to stop, as much as they both clearly want this Emma wants Regina’s first time to be special, she wants to worship her, tease her. 

She reluctantly pulls herself away and tries to ignore Regina’s pout. 

“I’m” she begins

“No Emma don’t, don’t apologise, neither of us regret what just happened so no apology is needed. I understand why you stopped - we should take it slow or slower but that was the closest to true happiness I have ever been so no apologies.” 

Emma nods and collects her stuff, her aunt will be wondering where she is, Regina smiles at Emma and confirms that she’ll see her later. 

As soon as Emma returns to Shibden she knows something is wrong, the place seems quiet, she quickens her pace, hopes that everyone is okay. 

She is met at the door by a frustrated and fretting Mary Margaret, “There you are, Where have you been - we’ve been looking for you everywhere” 

Emma resists the urge to roll her eyes. “What’s the emergency Mary Margaret” 

Mary Margaret does roll her eyes at Emma’s patronnism and states “Granny has taken a turn” 

“Is she okay what happened” she asks as she darts upstairs

“Now you care” her sister mutters under her breath. 

Emma mutters an apology - she won’t apologise for spending time with Regina, not that she’ll tell Mary Margaret that tonight she is not in the mood for the judgement, but she is sorry she was not here when Granny needed her. 

She slams the door as she enters Granny’s room “Are you comfortable, can I get you anything” she asks. 

“I’m fine dear, don’t fret, just had a little moment where my legs were sore but I’m okay now” 

Emma takes a minute to reassure herself that her aunt isn’t lying - she knows she wouldn’t, her aunt never lies to her, but Emma finds it difficult to trust people and has to make sure. 

“Where were you?” her aunt queries. 

Emma figures she already knows the answer but she’ll indulge her anyway. “I was with Miss Mills, I think she’s fond of me Granny. I was wondering if she might make a companion for me, for life” 

Granny takes a minute and hugs Emma. She knows she’s going to hurt her by what she says next but she needs Emma to be prepared. She loves her like a daughter and cannot bear to see her in the state she was after Hastings. 

“I want you to be happy, Emma, but her tribe will have things to say, people will have things to say” she warns. 

Emma takes a deep breath, knowing that Granny is only looking out for her. “I know, I know, but if I were a man then I would be the perfect match - rich but not richer than her, landed.” 

Granny nods - it’s a harsh truth but it is the truth. 

“Nature played a cruel trick on me. I am supposed to wear frills and petticoats. To sit still and look pretty. I refuse to be cowed by it. People can be cruel. I know that. If people want to be cruel because they cannot imagine a love without boundaries then let them be cruel. Sometimes if we want to be happy we have to get hurt, that’s a risk I’m willing to take” 

Emma sighs - her whole body feeling lighter, it’s been weighing on her more than she cared to admit. She knows that this is just the beginning, but she has to believe that it will be worth it. 

Granny offers her a handkerchief to dry her tears and brings her in closer. Emma lets herself feel. In this room she is safe, she can be whoever she wants to be. 

///

Emma slept like a baby last night. A combination of being emotionally exhausted and dreaming about Regina had left her feeling more than satisfied. The problem with living in a perfect bubble is that something comes along and has to break it - and of course it would be Killian Jones. The man was an idiot, a slimy, arrogant idiot and were it not for the fact that he had a family (who were some of her best workers) she would have kicked him to the curb months ago. Today was supposed to be a routine visit - checking on the work, except she’d turned up to find Killian drunk off his arse. 

“Go home” she ordered. 

He ignored her just as she ignored the others trying to apologise. She wasn’t in the mood. He shouldn’t still be on the site in this state. 

She motions to his son, Liam. 

“Take him home, and then come back - be quick otherwise you’ll fall more behind” 

He nods and apologises for his father's actions. Emma feels sorry for the boy - he’s a good lad and deserves a better father. 

Unfortunately Killian doesn’t know when to stop. 

“You can’t tell me what to do you freak” 

Emma wants to punch him but that’s not going to do anyone any good. She’ll see him tomorrow - when he’s hopefully sober and she’s had a chance to calm down. 

///

She really isn’t in the mood for a meeting with Neal Gold today, her patience worn thin, and she’s worried she will actually hurt him. He has those pathetic doe eyes, like she would ever fall for them, God men are so pathetic, and he begins or rather stutters: 

“I’ve come to see if you would be more reasonable” 

Emma wants to laugh, but doesn’t feel like his question is worthy of a response. 

“I have not and will not change my mind. Both my lawyer and I have presented you with my offer, if you do not wish to take me up on it then I will accept that decision and inform the other party.” 

“No no that won’t be necessary, we are still interested, it just seems steep that’s all.” 

“Coal is a rapidly growing market, and a valued commodity, my price reflects that. Take it or leave it” 

Neal leaves, muttering something about his father. Emma doesn’t care. The Gold’s have more to lose than her.   
///

She races through the forest, thankful that they have their own little haven, separate to their houses to escape to, a place just for them. 

Regina is already there and for a moment Emma hovers at the door, marvelling in her beauty. Regina is beautiful all the time, but as the sunlight streams in it highlights the light flush on her cheeks, her eyes glisten, her raven locks frame her face, she’s relaxed and she looks happy and Emma wishes they could stay like this forever. 

Regina turns, “You could stand and stare Miss Swan or you could come over here and give me a proper Hello” 

Emma feels herself get instantly wetter, she’s usually the more dominant one but she doubts she would say no to anything Regina asked. 

She smiles and pulls Regina toward her, kissing her hungrily, “Will that do” she teases. 

“I need one more, just to make sure”

The one more turns into two which turns into three…

Regina pulls away, and looks nervous, shy, but after taking a deep breath which has Emma worried for a second she asks “Will you come for the tea, and maybe stay the night?”

Emma really really wants to but she can’t, she also can’t bear the look on Regina’s face as she tells her. 

Emma reluctantly declines the offer, - I have to go soon, bit of a bust up with Mary Margaret yesterday, Aunt Ann had a turn, she’s fine, but well I wasn’t there and it didn’t go down well and asks if they could delay until tomorrow night

Regina lets herself breathe, she has no reason to be anxious, not really, but she’s still convinced Emma is going to leave her, move onto something, someone better. 

She assures Emma that it’s fine, can completely understand and as much as she enjoys the time they spend together she knows how much her aunt means to her and that always comes first. 

Emma’s about to leave when Regina says, I received a letter. 

Emma looks puzzled. 

“It’s about you.” she clarifies. “ It’s so cowardly, anonymous, and I want you to know that I don’t believe any of it, don’t care. I just can’t keep a secret not from you.” 

Emma asks to see it, she’s not sure if she wants to but knows she will stew if she doesn’t. Regina’s right, it’s cowardly and mean and it hurts. None of the insults are new - in fact they’re old - she’s a man, a dyke, a harlot, should burn in hell. She wishes she didn’t care, wishes each word didn’t feel like a cut, but they do - especially when this person couldn’t even send the letter to her, they sent it to Regina instead. 

She needs to go, cannot be late. 

Regina knows it’s an excuse, can see the anger and pain in Emma’s eyes and wishes there was something she could do, but there isn’t. 

Emma asks if she can take the letter and Regina nods, she doesn’t want it, had nearly thrown it in the fire the moment she started reading it. 

///

Emma makes her way into town to discuss the latest complication with the coal. The Gold’s are being difficult again, not that she expected them to make it easy but still this is getting ridiculous and she’s close to sinking it herself. 

Her lawyer advises against that, reminding of her risks, and yes it would be easier if someone else were in charge but she’s fed up of The Golds and their tricks and stalling. 

///

She’s angry, frustrated and for the first time in a long time she doubts everything. She doubts the purpose of life. The letter hurts, causes hot tears to burn her cheeks. So little of it is true but Emma fears it’s someone she knows - who else would send the letter to Regina, knowing it would cause more pain. For once she wishes she was normal, or what society deemed normal, she’d sit still and look pretty - hating every second of it, but it would be easier. 

She reads it one more time, whether to rub salt into her wounds or to convince her that she needs to rise above it she’s not quite sure before hurling it into the fire, watching the flames slowly eat away at it. 

///  
The next day the gloom is gone. Emma is determined. She will live her life to the fullest and she does not give a damn about what others think. Still she needs to get away - she doesn’t belong here in Shibden where the only thing that changes are the seasons. Emma’s a restless soul and she yearns for the freedom travel brings, this time she hopes Regina will accompany her. 

///

Regina knows Emma has her mind set on something as soon as she arrives, she wonders what, but whatever it is she is grateful, after Emma had left yesterday Regina had been worried about her, her sudden quiet after reading the letter. Regina wasn’t surprised - Emma can come across as aloof or even cold, but her heart is one of the biggest she has ever known. 

“You look like a child at Christmas Emma, what’s going on in your beautiful brain?” 

“We could travel sooner,” she says gleefully. 

Ah. Regina thought, she wants to travel with Emma, she does, she’s just not sure she’s ready to go soon. 

Emma seems oblivious to Regina’s uncertainty and carries on if “when we come back we might never get married....ever but that we might live together...as companions” 

Regina is silent. She knows Emma needs an answer, but she doesn’t have one. 

“Is this way your way of proposing Em-ma” Regina teases

Emma gulps she supposes it is - damn it, this was really not a good proposal, she doubted it mattered - she could see Regina battling with her non question. 

“It’d be like marriage or better,” Emma adds, desperate. 

Truth be told Regina is rather indifferent to marriage - there had been a man once - Leopold whom she was set to marry - he was old enough to be her father and had begged it not to go ahead, it was only the death of her mother that stopped it - he had a better offer while she was in mourning. So she isn’t against not being married especially if it meant spending more time with Emma but she’s not as strong as Emma, and she still thinks she wants children. 

Emma can see it in her face, “I’m sorry I’m pushing you, just forget it” 

Regina can’t though, she doesn’t want to dismiss the idea, she just can’t commit either and if that means she loses Emma she will deal with it. Somehow. 

“Can we wait six months?” Regina asks hesitantly.   
Emma turns to face the window, she needs a minute. 

She’s heartbroken but it isn’t a no. Not a complete rejection. She nods - she will wait, for as long as there is reason to hope” 

Regina feels her own tears threaten to fall. “There is every reason to hope.” 

At that Emma smiles, they are going to be okay, they are going to be more than okay. 

///

He realises as soon as he knocks at the door he has made a mistake. As Emma’s groom he is privy to certain secrets. He is aware of how close Emma and Regina have got, everyone knows they are good friends, that’s not a secret, but quite how close has eluded many. 

It’s too late now. 

The locksley’s are making their way to the door. 

They open it and he smiles, tries to fumble an excuse. It fools no one. 

///

It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and if Emma is honest she could probably sleep for a week.   
She won’t miss the opportunity to kiss Regina, tuck her hair behind her ears in a way that makes her grin foolishly, hearing the breathy moans escape her as they climb and climb,

Regina can’t deny that feels right. More than that it feels natural, it’s not awkward (she’s new to this, had thought it would be clumsy), she wants this, wants to take this to the next level, wants to see Emma’s face in the throngs of pleasure, she just can’t help the tightness of her chest, anxiety threatening to burst through the surface. 

“Emma” 

Emma had got carried away and she’d taken it too far. 

“I’m” 

Regina quietens her with a kiss. 

“Does it feel wrong” Emma asks, 

“No no it doesn’t. The kissing is perfect, freeing. This, this I don’t know, I’m too in my own head and I just can’t” 

“I’m sorry” Emma replies, moving to Regina’s side so she can hug her. 

“Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry. I want to be ready - I’m just not yet and I don’t want to disappoint you.” 

“You won’t, You haven’t. I’ve said before we can take this at whatever pace you want. I...It’s just there are going to be times like tonight where I get carried away.” 

“I think we can both live with that” is Regina’s reply. 

///

The next morning comes too soon and Emma wishes they could stay in bed a little longer but alas there are things to do and she really must get back to Shibden soon, still Regina convinces her (it doesn’t take much) to stay a little longer. 

Breakfast turns to lunch and once again they both marvel at how quickly seems to pass when they are together. 

They are saying goodbye - and may have got slightly carried away, intent on kissing each other over and over, when their bliss is broken by a door opening and a gasp. 

Both women leap apart, and if the situation weren’t so awkward Emma might find it funny - she thinks this is probably the furthest apart they have ever been. It is awkward though and Emma wishes she could say something, but knows that now is not the place. She likes Marian and while she looks angry she probably won’t say anything not to anyone else - and well they were only kissing. 

Marian is fuming “I defended you. All your life I have defended you. All the mean words and the accusations I put it down to men being jealous of you, trying to find anyway to demean a woman. You may sometimes lack grace but that has never defined a person, not to me, and now I find this” 

Emma’s hurt by this, it’s not totally unexpected, but still it hurts, to let yet another person down, she’s more worried about Regina though. She’s let people down before and will let people down before, Regina lives to please people - it’s one of the things she admires most about her. 

“You’re playing with fire. Both of you” 

It’s a warning, but confirms what Emma expected. Marian is upset and angry and not as ‘okay’ with this as she would have liked or hoped, but she’s not going to spread it all over Halifax.   
Marian storms out as quickly as she stormed in. 

Emma and Regina turn to each other, Emma braces herself for the “I can’t do this, I’m not ready talk” so when Regina giggles softly and tugs her arm, pulling towards the staircase she can only raise her eyebrows and grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all doing okay and staying safe. 
> 
> Thank you to those that have commented - it means a lot and I really do appreciate. 
> 
> If you do read my fic - please let me know what you liked, what you didn't, anything (pretty please)


	6. I'm only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina escape to York, despite the purpose of the visit being to visit a doctor, they enjoy the freedom the city offers. 
> 
> Emma delves into the circumstances behind the accident more. 
> 
> Someone asks Regina a question, and the answer will change everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are all well and staying safe. 
> 
> This chapter is the longest yet, and an emotional one - grab those tissues
> 
> This chapter starts with a bit of Marian and Robin, it’s only one scene, but I feel it is relevant to the story. 
> 
> There’s a slightly weird ship here as in I made it up when I was sleep deprived - just go with it, please - it’s a minor point to the story. 
> 
> TW: Minor Character Death. It’s marked with a * if you want to skip.   
> TW:Miscarriage marked with TW M

Marian is seething, Robin is not sure he has ever seen her so angry, he tries to calm her down, asks if she wants tea. 

She snaps then. “No I don’t want any bloody tea Robin” 

She seems to realise that is an over reaction because she calms enough to apologise and to sit. 

“What’s got you so riled up love” he asks. 

“I walked in on Regina and a Miss Swan in a compromising position. They were kissing, fondling each other, it was most disgusting” 

Robin does look shocked at that, he knew the rumours around Miss Swan, and didn’t care too much, it was her life, unfortunately her life was now impacting on the reputation of the wider family. He didn’t care, not really, he wanted Regina to be happy, it had been too long, but in this world reputation more than it should and this could hurt Regina, it could hurt them. 

“I defended her through thick and thin, more than her own family did at times. I dismissed every insult, refuted every rumour, condemned every innuendo. I didn’t think any of it was true, didn’t think someone with her brain could be so stupid.” 

“I don’t think she’s stupid love” Robin notes. He could think of a lot of words to describe Emma, but stupid wasn’t one of them. 

“What would you call it then Robin, foolish”

He nods that’s more likely. “I expect Emma doesn’t see it as a choice, Love is a fickle thing” 

“Love may be fickle, and I know you are a romantic Robin, that’s why I love you, but love is fickle but the law isn’t. Two men were hanged for indecent acts in front of York Jail with a crowd of 6000 people. Do you really want that for Regina. “ 

“Of course I don’t and that’s why you can’t tell anyone else Marian, you have to pretend not to know, to act just as you did before you knew, because if this gets out, it won’t be good for any of us” 

Marian nods. She’s angry, upset but most of all she’s scared. The world can be cruel sometimes. 

There is one issue, some people already know. Robin sighs. Women and their gossip. 

///

Emma didn’t know if Regina was more relaxed because they were in a city where they could be just two women on a day out, or if it was because they had already been caught that Regina was less cautious but she wasn’t going to question it. 

She’d been awake for a few minutes and was admiring Regina’s untamed beauty, when she heard a groan and that was the best night sleep I’ve had in a long time. Emma smiles - fair to say they were both thoroughly sated this morning. She reaches for the stopwatch - 20 minutes until the Doctor is here. Regina smiles, grows, plenty of time she says before diving under the sheets. 

Emma gasps as Regina finds her gspot, which only makes her suck harder, fuck, fuck she is going to cum. 

They resist the urge for another round, they’ve already been caught once and neither are in any hurry to repeat that experience. 

Emma greets the Doctor, August, an old friend and shows him to Regina. 

He’s not in with her for very long, but to Emma it seems like hours. 

“Well” she asks, knowing Regina will tell her but will likely underplay it if it is something more sinister. 

“Nervous hysteria” August replies. 

“So it’s all in her head” Emma queries. 

“Yes but that is not to dismiss it, the illnesses that plague our mind should be treated as seriously as those which affect our physical bodies” 

Emma feels stupid now, had not meant to dismiss it, hopes August knows that, 

“What can I do?” 

“You’re already doing it” August says smiling. 

Emma blushes and smiles too. She had seen a difference in Regina lately too, had hoped she was contributing to her better mood, but to hear it come from a professional, well it does wonders for the ego. She’s also, more importantly, happy for Regina. 

“Regina mentioned you might travel” he inquires. 

“Yes, to Europe, it’s not finalised, but that is the plan” 

August nods again “It would do wonders for her, to relax, to see something new” 

Emma agrees and promises to try and persuade her, but that Regina can be very stubborn. 

August laughs - reminds me of someone else I know. 

Emma pretends to be offended, but she realises she’s missed this, missed August, they were like brothers once upon a time (she had gone to boarding school with his sister - it had ended rather abruptly). They catch each other up on their lives and promise not to leave it so long until the next time. 

///

Neither of them really want to leave York, and the brief burst of freedom it has provided but they have to return home. 

Regina doesn’t know it yet but Emma is confident they will return here, and take the sacrament together, soon. 

///

Emma knows that James knows something, and must have seen the accident. 

“The accident a few weeks back, it must have shaken you” 

“Yes Miss Swan, it did, terrible thing to happen.” 

“Indeed” 

“As I understand it you’d have been facing the other gig, don’t suppose you recognised the driver” 

“No ma'am, well I suppose I would have seen them, but it all happened so quickly I couldn’t tell you who it was” 

Emma can always tell when someone is lying and James is lying through his teeth. “Henry and his family, are my tenants, part of my own, anything I can do to help find out who was responsible for such irresponsible behaviour I will do, understand.” 

“Perfectly Miss Swan” 

James looks scared and Emma has top hope that is enough to persuade him to tell the truth at some point soon. 

/// *TW M

Ella had felt sick for days, had assumed it was just part of the pregnancy, that she was one of the unlucky ones who had extended morning sickness. This morning though she had woken up to find blood seeping through her undergarments, she had shoved some rags to try and stem the flow, could ill afford for Emma to find out on the journey, but she’s now back at Shibden and she barely makes it into the kitchen before the tears fall. 

Belle approaches and asks if she is okay, 

Her only answer is to sob even more. 

“I’m bleeding” is her barely audible answer. 

“Ella I’m sorry” 

“I didn’t even want this baby but now I’m losing it just hurts so much” 

Belle holds her tight, hugging her, she’s lost two - when she was younger, and her husband had died shortly after, it had taken months, years to pull herself out of the swirling whirlpool of grief, and it was only when she landed here at Shibden, that things had began to get easier. 

///

Regina had not been expecting a call from her aunt, her aunt does not like to travel unless when strictly necessary, anyone important will come to me, dear, 

Regina offers Emma leave, my aunt likes to talk, and judge, you can leave if you wish, we can see each other later. 

Emma smiles, Regina always thinks of others before herself.   
“Do you want me to leave” she asks. 

“No, not even a little bit” Regina says smiling. 

“Then I shall stay”

Her aunt arrives and Regina instantly tenses. Cora always has something to say and it’s not usually something complimentary. 

Cora enters the room to see Emma and immediately turns to Regina “I didn’t realise you had company, dear” 

“Miss Swan was just helping me with something, Aunt, we would have rearranged had we known you were coming” It was unnecessary to antagonise her but Regina could not resist. 

“Yes well I had intended to visit this weekend but was informed you were in York” 

Of course everyone knew of their trip. 

“Yes I went to see a Doctor Booth, to see if he could assist in my ailments and he was most helpful” 

“Doctor Whale is a perfectly good Doctor, one of the best” 

“Doctor Booth is better” Emma interrupts, unable to keep quiet anymore. 

“Anyway your trip is not what I came here to discuss, your friend - Ava, died at the weekend, some accident or other” the news is delivered with no emotion, no feeling and Emma finds herself hating Cora. 

Regina feels sick. Everything had been going so well. For the first time she felt like she was where she was meant to be and now this. She’s going to be sick, or faint, or both.

She feels someone catch her, Emma. 

Her eyes close for a minute, just a minute, but when she opens them Cora is mercifully gone - she will hear how weak she was next time they have to interact, but it’s worth it for the quietness now. 

“Do you want to talk about it, about her?” Emma asks, feeling woefully inept,

“She was kind” is all Regina manages before the tears take over. 

“You must have been close” it comes out harsher, more bitter than Emma intended and Regina notices. 

“Why do you say that?” she snaps. 

“You’re very upset” now she sounds cold and unmoved. 

“Not close like we are” is accusatory, she knows what Emma is implying and it is not appreciated. 

Her tone softens slightly “Anything to do with death terrifies me, I’ve seen too much of it” 

Emma feels stupid. Was stupid, she got jealous when she should have been supporting Regina. 

** TW 

Liam had hoped that maybe his papa would have realised just how much he had screwed up, but from the effing and blinding he hadn’t and was probably still pissed. 

“Oh there you are son, finally remembered about your pa” 

“Not like I could forget” 

“Oi don’t be so cheeky lad, I raised you, you think you’d be anywhere without me” 

“Ma raised me. Ma puts food on the table, goes hungry when there’s only enough for the kids because you’ve drank the rest of the food money. Ma’s there when the little un’s have nightmares. Ma smiles through the pain you’ve caused her” 

Killian was fuming. The veins in his forehead were ready to pop. 

He lunged at him, swinging for his face. 

Liam had come prepared, and pulled a knife from his pocket, and turned away as his pa, Killian, fell on the blade. He left, the pigs would take the rest of it. 

He looked up to the sky, hoping that when his time came God would forgive him. 

He felt guilty as his ma asked questions - where had he gone? Why had he gone without his stuff? He didn’t want to lie to her, she didn’t deserve it, but she deserved to live with that monster even less.   
///

The night had been a restless one, Emma wasn’t convinced Regina had slept at all. 

At least she’s attempting to eat, she thinks it’s more for her benefit and is pushing it around the plate more than she is eating it, but she appreciates it nonetheless. 

She doesn’t really want to bring up what she is about to say, but she has to. 

“I think we should visit the Locksleys” 

Regina’s face collapses into a frown. “Why” 

“If we avoid polite company, we look like we have something to hide, we look guilty, give substance to the rumours”. 

Regina is too tired for this. “They aren’t rumours Emma. It’s the truth. We do have feelings for each other. We are guilty. We are too women exploring their feelings for one another and that makes us guilty, it means we have to hide. I wish that wasn’t the case, just as much as you do, but it is. Marian and Robin have been there for me at my lowest and I will not discredit them. Will not hang Marian out to dry, even if it makes life more difficult for us” 

Emma nods, Regina is right, but so is she, and from the way Regina huffs, she knows it to. 

“Does it have to be today” she asks petulantly. 

“I’m sorry darling” 

“Don’t call me that, not today” 

Emma tries, and fails, not to be hurt by that. It’s just part of the grief. 

She takes a deep breath, it’s going to be a long day. 

The ride to the Locksley’s is tense and Emma is almost glad to see the house appear at the end of the drive. Almost. 

Mercifully it is Robin who opens the door, and he just offers them a smile, Marian is in the living room. 

The ‘incident’ as Marian insists on calling it is only mentioned in the context of never mentioning it again, as far as she is concerned it never happened. Emma and Regina nod, it’s the best they could have hoped for. 

The conversation turns to the death of Ava, hardly a lighter conversation, but it’s not weighted with the same awkwardness, and is a genuine conversation about the tragic death of someone too young. 

“Will Mr Blanchard still be visiting?” 

“I don’t know” Regina says, suspects he will. Society waits not for grief, Mr Blanchard will be one of the most eligible bachelors within a few weeks. 

“Maybe I should write to him, in my church capacity” Robin suggests. 

“Please” 

The awkward silence returns and they bid their adues. 

“That went well,” Emma remarks. 

“Did it?” Regina says incredulously. 

“Well enough, I’m afraid I need to return to Shibden, see you tomorrow”

Regina nods, the earlier frustration and anger dissipated. 

///

Emma returns to Shibden and is pleased to see Mary Margaret in the dining room, she knows she has been perhaps a bit too tough on her sister lately, and despite what Mary may think it comes from a place of love. 

“How was Market Wheeton” 

Mary Margaret recovers from her clear shock “It was lovely thank you, How was York” 

“York was splendid, just a shame to come back to sad news” 

“Indeed, she was so young.” 

“Yes, puts life into perspective, I know I’m difficult Mary Margaret, but it’s only because I care, I want the best for you.”   
“ I know Em” 

It’s a nice change this, to talk, to listen, rather than argue. 

Mary Margaret motions toward the sitting room, Neal Gold is here again. 

“Marvellous” Emma says wiggling her eyebrows. 

Mary Margaret laughs, and pulls her chair around so she can hear what is sure to be a fun conversation. 

“Neal, lovely to see you again” 

“Miss Swan” 

“In a rush Neal” she teases. 

“Not particularly but it would be nice to get this thing sorted Miss Swan” 

“Indeed, but I believe I made myself quite clear in our previous meeting, I am just waiting on your answer, which I need by the end of the week, so I can let the other party know accordingly.” 

Neal sighs “Miss Swan I think” 

“I think Mr Cassidy, that this was a waste of your time but since you are here, I’m going into town - to get a new gig, your father got one recently didn’t he?” 

“Yes, but you would have to ask him about that, I should warn you though my father does not appreciate timewasters” 

“Then apparently your father and I actually do have something in common, but you see it is not a waste of time - your father only ever gets the best, and well I do too, especially after the tragedy with little Henry”

“Yes, yes but you will have to speak to my father” 

“Perhaps I will, now if you don’t mind I have things to do”

“But.” 

“But I expect an answer by Friday” 

“Miss Swan, my father, he is not someone to mess with” 

“Are you threatening me?” Emma asks enranged, 

“No I’m warning you.” 

Emma simply smiles, she’s not afraid of Mr Gold. He should be scared of her, 

She bids Neal goodbye, and meets Marian by the gates to Shibden. 

“I’m sorry about what I said before I went to Market Wheeton” Mary Margaret says, “I don’t like it when we argue” 

Emma turns to her sister, truth be told she’d already forgiven her, they’d both said things they would now regret, but her sister needed that reassurance. 

“I’m sorry too, we were both tired and a little scared. I care for you, father and Granny very much, that’s why I came back here” 

“I know” Mary Margaret loves her sister dearly, knows how much she cares - even if she insists on hiding it sometimes. 

“I don’t like it when we argue either, it upsets my equilibrium” 

Mary Margaret can’t help but laugh - Emma and her weird sayings sometimes, but she knows what she means, things are changing, that much is obvious, and it’s making them both on edge. 

Conversation turns to why they are going into Halifax, she is going to meet a Mr Midas to discuss Coal. Mary Margaret resists the urge to comment, and instead states that she is going to get some new drawers. 

Emma smiles, her sister ever so practical “As it happens I’m thinking of returning to the continent, Granny’s health permitting of course, so yes some new drawers would be useful” 

So perhaps Emma is less settled than she thought but Emma is a restless soul, and at least she’s actually informing people of her plans to travel - unlike last time. 

Emma looks nervous, so Mary Margaret walks in silence, but smiles softly at her, 

“How would you feel if Regina were to move in to Shibden, as my companion” 

Mary Margaret had wondered when this would come up, over the past few weeks it had become clear to everyone that Emma was the happiest she had been for a long time, more relaxed,   
“I wouldn’t mind, I like her, from what little I’ve seen of her. She’s good for you, keeps you grounded and it would be good for you to be more settled.” 

Emma smiles, she knows Regina isn’t ready for the step yet, but hopes she will be soon, and to have the support of Mary Margaret, and deep down Granny’s too means a lot. 

They carry on in a comfortable silence, enjoying the peace and tranquility of the countryside. 

“Granny might have mentioned a Mr David Nolan to you.” Mary Margaret asks timidly. 

“She did” Emma wants Mary Margaret to be happy, but if she’s being honest she thinks she can do better. 

“I thought I might invite him to dinner, Father said I could” 

Emma hums, “Do you need my permission” 

Mary Margaret shakes her head suddenly feeling a little stupid “More of your blessing and a promise to be civil” 

Emma hadn’t meant to upset her sister, especially after they were getting along so well “ I will be civil and I do want you to be happy Mary Margaret, it’s just in my role as elder sister I do think you deserve someone who has a bit more pedigree” 

They agree to disagree and promise to meet each other at noon, giving them both time to run their various errands. 

///  
Emma sees Mr Midas as she approaches the pit, even from the surface you can see it is a massive operation. 

“Miss Swan, I have the figures you asked for” 

Emma follows him to a makeshift office and is slightly horrified to see a young boy with a cracked skull. 

“What happened” 

“Didn’t listen, went the wrong way and some debris fell on him, he’ll be alreet in a couple of days” 

Emma’s not naive, knows a large proportion of coal miners are young, but the lack of empathy is concerning to her. The boy needs proper medical attention, and she is fairly certain he won’t get it. She passes him a clean handkerchief, it’s not much but better than the rag he was using.   
“Still set on going down the pit yerself, Miss Swan” 

Emma nods “Of course” 

She’s motioned to a small rickety looking cart and dear lord that can’t be sturdy enough for the two of them, but she has little choice. 

“How many are employed?” 

“14, half of them children - it’s easier for them to get down the narrowest parts. Day split into two, twelve hour shifts - when you’re down here doesn’t matter if it’s ten o’clock in the morning or ten o’clock at night” 

“I suppose not” 

“Your’s is a horizontal pit” 

“Aye, yes, Listwick is vertical, that’s why it’s more expensive to start up, but you’ll be laughing when the profit comes in” 

Emma is not entirely sold on the ethics of the business but knows that coal is a precious commodity, and she’s a business woman, and they’re only going to work in a pit elsewhere. 

///

She has much to think about and only hope that Archie can provide her with some much needed answers. 

He smiles when he sees her, and listens to her various concerns. 

“What is your strategy with coal?” 

This is why Emma likes Archie, he sits, listens and makes sure he knows what the intended outcome is, doesn’t go in all guns blazing like some. 

“I want The Gold’s to know that I know they’re stealing my coal, even if regrettably I can’t prove it. I want them to pay for it, fairly. I want them to know that I will not be cowed into submission.” 

Archie can see the determination in Emma’s eyes. She’s a spitfire at times, but she has a heart as loud as lions. 

“Mr Gold is a bully, and I think you know he will not go down without a fight, be careful though Emma. I know you, and I know you can defeat him, but don’t get complacent.” 

Emma appreciates the concern, she knows that Mr Gold will not take her challenge lightly, but he won’t win. Not this time. 

///

The next morning Emma feels more hopeful than she has in a long time, she has a plan of sorts, a timescale, things seem a bit more in her control, and she likes that. 

She needs to discuss the matter of sinking the pit with her father, it won’t be an easy conversation, she knows he has concerns, and she has them too, but she is convinced sinking their own pit is the best way to go. 

She begins to explain in earnest her plans and is pleasantly surprised with how little he interrupts, when she asks why he simply says “I know you little one - when you want something you get it, and despite my misgivings it could be profitable” 

Emma smiles. 

“That said I’m only willing to give you £450, I feel that any more would be too much of a financial risk” Emma understands, had expected more of a struggle to get any money if she were being honest. 

“Where will you get the rest?” 

“I may be able to ask a friend” 

“Regina Mills” he says with a smirk. 

“Yes” she blushes “I’m thinking of asking her to be my companion and live here, if no one objects to it” 

“I don’t, if it makes you stay home a little longer and you’re happy Im happy for Regina to live here. 

///

She is just thinking about how she had not seen Regina today when Ella enters the room with a note, it’s a scribbled note from Regina asking if she’d be able to come over this evening. 

Emma makes her excuses about missing supper and rushes to Crownest.   
She finds Regina in the sitting room pacing up and down, 

“Regina, what is it, what’s wrong?” 

Regina finally sits and puts her head in her hands, she doesn’t know why she wanted Emma here, no that’s a lie she does, but the reason she wants her here is the reason she can’t be here. 

“I’ve had a letter” 

Emma feels her world implode. 

She doesn’t need to know the rest of the sentence, already knows what the letter is regarding - the question is who. 

“It’s a letter from Mr Blanchard an intention of proposal” 

Mr Blanchard, the man who had just lost his wife. 

“Can I see it, the letter” She doesn’t know what she hopes to achieve by seeing the letter but she needs to see it. 

“No” Regina won’t show it to her, can’t, it will only cause them both more pain. 

“Why” 

“It’s marked private” it’s a weak excuse, one Emma won’t accept, but other than fear it’s the only one she’s got. 

Emma tries to take a deep breath, tries to not let her anger show - it’s not Regina’s fault. She’s failing miserably. 

“He’a quick off the mark, his wife isn’t even buried yet. Marriage is a sanctity, a sacred ritual, it should not be taken lightly, something as a man of God I’m sure he knows all too well” 

Regina knew Emma would be angry, she’s not exactly thrilled with this development herself, but Emma is fuming. 

“Are you cross” it’s a futile question. 

“Yes” comes the defeatist reply. Emma’s shoulders sag and she collapses to the floor, the anger replaced by an overwhelming sadness. 

Regina has never seen Emma like this before and truthfully she doesn’t know what to do.   
She crouches on the floor and takes Emma’s hand in hers, “I don’t want to marry him. I want to marry you. I love you.” 

Emma looks in her eyes, and her superpower is telling her that Regina is telling her the truth and she wants to believe it, believe her, more than anything, but she’s been here before with Elsa, she knows how this story ends, and it’s not a happy ending. 

“You have to take it seriously, it’s a proposal from a clergyman, you’re both still young, you’d - god willing - have a child, and you’ll have fulfilled a woman’s destiny on this planet” the words sting as she says them, but it’s easier this way, easier if Regina thinks she doesn’t care. 

Regina is fuming now. How dare Emma say that, knowing how much it would hurt, but then that’s why she’d said it, Regina is not going down without a fight, 

“How dare you. I don’t want that and you know it. You don’t have to like it, I don’t, but we’re both adults, and despite your words we both care for each other so the least you can do is treat me with a little respect.” 

Emma stays the night, it’s awkward and tense and neither sleep very much, the whirring of their brains too loud. 

///

Regina finally drifts off to sleep and when she awakes she doesn’t know where Emma is for a second, then she sees her in the chair, looking like a ghost. She can see the pain and angst written across her face and knows this is not going to be a pleasant conversation. 

She sits up, readying herself. 

“You need to decide Regina, there is something in that letter which you are not willing or able to share, and I respect your privacy, but whatever is in that letter also means you cannot dismiss his offer outright. Today is Friday, I need an answer by Monday morning, that way we can both move on.” 

Okay so apparently the morning has brought with it cold, emotionless Emma. “I can’t make such an important decision so quickly,” she sobs. 

“What do you think?” she asks, trembling. It matters, because all along Emma has been saying she wants this, wants them, but now it seems she isn’t going to fight for it, and it hurts. 

“Only you can make that decision” it’s a non answer and they both know it. 

The reality of the situation is dawning on both of them. The sunlight only highlighted the harshness of it all. “Most would think me foolish not to accept” it’s a resigned statement. 

“Yes” Emma forces out, tears threatening to break through, so she does care. 

“Would we still be friends?” she asks, because she can’t lose Emma, not completely, 

Emma looks away, tears beginning to fall.

“No, if you chose him, I I think you lose me” it’s a wrench in her gut just saying it, and truthfully she doesn’t know what she will do without Regina in her life, but seeing her with a man, seeing what she could have had, she’s not brave enough for that. 

Regina goes to protest and Emma can’t help but scream “How could we go back to common friendship after this Regina. I love you, and whatever you decide I always will, but if you chose him, I I can’t. It would hurt us both too much”. 

Emma apologises for shouting, and hugs Regina, kissing the top of her forehead, whatever you choose, I understand, and leaves, willing herself not to cry, or turn around and beg Regina not to marry him. 

She makes it out the door before she collapses. 

She loves Regina, more than she has loved anyone before, and that’s the reason she has to let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday everyone!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter - as usual let me know what you thought.
> 
> I've already written the fic, I just need to edit the final chapters and wanted your opinion on updates going forward. 
> 
> Option 1) Continue with the weekly weekend updates. 
> 
> Option 2) Publish all the remaining chapters (ch7-12) all together next weekend. 
> 
> Let me know on here or over on twitter (@wicked_thirteen)


	7. Someone Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina attempt to move on...unsuccessfully. The truth about Regina and Leopold's past is revealed. Can the two ladies find a way to forgive and forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another emotional rollercoaster sorry but it will all be worth it in the end. Also no bloody clue how to make a dry stone wall so go with it. 
> 
> This chapter is shorter than the previous two, but it felt right to cut it when I did and the next one will be another longer one. 
> 
> TW for Rape and sexual assault, it will be marked with a **TW

Emma has never shied away from hard work, is a strong believer in doing her own part and sometimes that means having rather tedious meetings with bank clerks and other times it means mucking in with her tenants. The ditch needed digging, and the stone wall needed to be built before any livestock could be put in the field. 

It was hot, sweaty monotonous work but it helped keep Emma busy and was the perfect way to release all the pent up frustration. 

She stops reluctantly at midday, she needs to rehydrate and probably eat something but she doesn’t really want to. If she stops then the thoughts come flooding back and she’s not sure how much longer she can keep the tears at bay. 

“Are you and Ella really getting married?” she asks,it’s not really an appropriate question, but it fills the awkward silence. 

“No, it’s it’s over” 

“Oh” Emma hadn’t been expecting that, she thought the relationship a bit sudden, but didn’t disapprove.

“It wasn’t meant to be” 

That’s when Emma realises, “She was pregnant wasn’t she” it suddenly all makes sense, the relationship, her paleness, her lateness some mornings. 

Sean looks as if he wants to deny it, but instead he nods - “It wasn’t mine” 

“George’s” 

“Yes” 

“Oh good lord, I always knew they were smitten, should have seen it sooner, should have seen it all sooner” 

The awkward silence returns and it’s only broken by Sean asking “Are you okay Ma’am” 

Emma half smiles “I’m always okay”, She isn’t far from it, but she will be, one day. 

Mrs Jones, Master Jones, Areilia Fishton, I’ve been sent by my father to inform you about the tenancy, should Mr Jones not come down

“Oh” Milah cries, as she’s given a letter. 

Embarrassed she hands it back - “Can you read it miss” 

Areilia nods and clears her throat, struggle with my father’s scrawl as well, 

“Dear Mrs Jones, 

If Mr Jones does not return within two months the current tenancy will end in six months time”

Milah’s knees buckle 

“At which point the tenancy will switch to Master Liam Jones, at the current rate. I found this to be the most agreeable solution to all in what are difficult circumstances.   
Yours,   
Miss Lister” 

The relief overwhelms them both. 

///

She’s fleshing out the details of her proposed pit, anything to distract herself from her self imposed deadline when a servant from Crowsnest appears. 

She makes her way to her room and prays that God is on her side. Prayed that Regina had chosen her. 

She opens the note. 

My Dearest Swan, 

You wished for an answer by this morning, and I respect your wish, however I cannot make such a decision in so little time. I love you. I will always love you. I have enclosed 2 pieces of paper in a drawstring bag, whatever you pick first will be my answer. It is a coward's way out. 

I hope in time you can forgive me, 

All my love,   
Regina. 

Lucky dip. It wasn’t tombola - no mediocre bottle of wine to choose from, this was her future, their future. How could Regina leave it up to fate. Emma reaches into the bag, she asks for an answer and it seems one must let fate decide. 

No. 

She checks the other, doesn’t really think Regina would be that cruel, but needs to know this could have so easily gone a different way. 

She can’t do this. Can’t not fight for Regina. If Regina truly wants to marry Leopold she will respect it, will hate it, but will respect it. 

///

Regina is informed of Emma’s imminent arrival and takes a deep breath, knowing this is not going to be pretty. 

Emma is angry, that much is obvious as soon as she enters the room. 

“I would know what to do with a yes or a no. I would be able to accept it - whatever the decision was. But this, what am I supposed to do with this, you can’t seriously expect me to base the future of our relationship on a lucky dip. I’m taking it as a no.” 

“It’s not a no” Regina begs. 

“It’s not a yes either” Emma retorts. 

/// TW

Regina hates this, Hates that she can’t tell Emma the truth, hates that she can’t just say yes and worry about the repercussions another day. It’s too much. 

She brings her knees up and buries her head in them. 

“You won’t want anything to do with me if you knew”

Emma wants to be able to just walk away, to not listen, to not care about whatever Regina has to say, but she can’t, not when she’s this scared. 

“I might surprise you,” she says softly. 

Regina doubts it, but if Emma hates her then well it will be a no and they can both pretend to move on with their lives. 

“I’ve been indiscrete” it’s barely above a whisper and Emma would think she’d misheard if it weren’t for Regina’s shameful expression. 

Emma doesn’t want to push her but she needs more than that. 

“What do you mean indiscrete?” 

“Leopold and I have been intimate” 

Emma feels sick. 

“When?” 

“Years ago, all three of us had spent the day together and that evening he invited me into his study. I didn’t really want to go, always felt safer when I was with Ava as well but had little choice. He told me how beautiful I was. He got me so I was trapped between him and the desk, it was awful I could smell his breath and then he he” 

If Emma ever meets this man there will be hell to pay. 

“He kissed me and then he touched me” 

“He raped you” because Emma will not have Regina stewed up about this more than she already is. The bastard took advantage of her, knowing she was vulnerable, knowing that it would be a clergyman’s word against a young woman. 

“It’s my fault” Regina protests. 

“It’s not, Regina look at me, what he did to you, that’s on him, not on you.” 

Regina doesn’t really believe her,has carried around the guilt and shame (even if it is misplaced for too long). She wants to believe Emma and that’s a big step. 

“Will you stay the night?” Regina asks. 

Emma should say no - they still haven’t defined what they’re going to be, but she won’t leave Regina like this. 

/// end of tw

Regina is surprised to see the sun reaching into the room when she awakes - had been tossing and turning up but she guesses she must have managed to fall asleep at some point. 

She’s also pleased that Emma stayed, had half expected her to have left after she’d fallen asleep, wouldn’t have blamed her if she had. 

“What time is it?” 

“10:22” 

Regina smiles, she loves how precise Emma is. 

“Not long, me and your friend - Cru, had a polite squirmish to see who would come and see if you were awake, I won” she says gleefully. 

Regina laughs, Emma is such a child sometimes. 

As much as Regina wants to stay in this carefree moment forever there’s something that is nagging her and she needs to let it out. 

“Emma” 

“Yes” she looks scared and yes they should probably talk about the other thing too. 

“If you were to cross paths with Mr Blanchard, Leo, please don’t say anything. He might, no he will be angry, and humiliated if he knew I’d told you.” 

“If he’s embarrassed or humiliated then good as well he should be. I won’t say anything, not for his sake, the snake, but because I know it would upset you, and I would never willingly do that. 

///

Leopold arrives at the Locksley residence, truth be told he can barely stand them, they’re new money and both are far too progressive when it comes to politics and society for his liking but they are well respected and high up in the chart so he will play his part. He also knows that Miss Mills holds them in high regard, and any word the family could put in would be helpful, he had sent a letter to Miss Mills and it had been rather forward and he thinks now that may have been a mistake. He tells the Locksley’s this, fears that in his grief he may not have worded things as he should. 

Robin and Marian are sympathetic, and mention that Regina had been feeling out of sorts lately, before the arrival of any letter they assure him, and that perhaps a visit in person may be beneficial. Regina is a lovely woman, but sometimes the nerves get to her and it becomes a little too much. 

Leopold thanks them for the advice and thinks that maybe he will visit. He sends a note with one of the servants requesting a visit. 

He is appalled and angry when such an offer is declined. Had hoped that of all people Regina would understand.

///

Emma and Cru are engaged in a deep and interesting conversation about Culvier - Cru is fascinated by it- fascinated by everything, Regina enjoys her company she never pushes but she lacks any real world common sense. It’s also clear she is enamoured by all of Emma’s knowledge. 

The simplicity and comfort of the afternoon is interrupted by the door bell, everyone in the room tenses, they know who it is likely to be. 

A servant confirms that it is Mr Leopold Blanchard. 

Regina scowls. 

“Please inform Mr Blanchard that I am feeling most unwell and not up to any visitors at present, and remind him that I had sent a note to this affect this morning.” 

“Very well Ma’am” 

Emma smiles, it seems Regina’s confidence was returning and Emma had never felt more proud. 

Regina smiles back at her, she still doesn’t know what she is going to do, know what she wants to do, but she feels like maybe with more time, she’ll get there. 

“Will you stay again tonight?” she asks shyly

Emma pretends to think about it for a second, she knows that she should go back to Shibden, knows that the longer she stays the harder this will be when it’s all over. If it’s going to be over soon then she will make the most of what time she does have. 

“Yes, I’ll have to send Ella to get some night clothes for me” 

Regina’s smile grows wider. 

“Would you do something for me” 

“Of course” Emma would go to the darkest depths of hell for Regina. 

“Will you get rid of a few things please” 

Emma nods. 

She takes the small box and knows instantly it’s a ring. The leech had always planned this, had always planned to marry Regina. A bible - something which he should try reading some day - Emma has a complex relationship with Religion but knows that the Bible frowns upon adultery. 

She’s jealous because a man can offer such things to a woman when he’s married to another. He can turn up on the doorstep days after his wife’s death, her body barely even cold, and begin to court (or try to) a woman and she can’t ever say I love you to a woman in front of anyone.   
It’s later that night, Regina and Emma silently contemplating their lives, their future, when Emma reaches across to Regina, brushing her hair away from her eyes. 

“I’ve been thinking about a formal tie between us” she knows she has asked Regina to choose, and ultimately it does need to be Regina’s decision, but she needs to lie everything out on the table. Bear all.

Regina has been thinking about it too, and is thinking about how, if it could work. “We agreed that after travelling I would move into Shibden, as your companion, and that would be like we were married” 

“Yes we did, and we would, well if that’s what you decide” “I was thinking of, I was wondering if you’d be opposed to taking the sacrament. Exchanging oaths. Swearing on the bible, maybe exchanging rings” 

“It sounds perfect” Regina blushes, moving so that she is closer to Emma, “It also sounds like a wedding” 

She wants it, but she is also scared that Emma wants the ceremony because she’s jealous of Leopold. 

“Yes” 

“Would there be people” Regina doesn’t really mind if there isn’t, can only think of a couple of people she would invite but she knows Emma is close to her family. 

Emma looks away, “No it would have to be a private matter, just between the two of us”

It’s everything she wants, so why can’t she just say yes. 

“You’d get bored of me” Regina loves Emma’s restlessness, sense of adventure, but it’s not her and she could never live with holding Emma back. 

“I wouldn’t” Emma had always assumed she would be constantly travelling, but with Regina she wants to get married, she wants to have the simple life of two women in the country. 

Regina knows Emma, knows that she would not suggest this without meaning it. 

“With you I can take on the world” 

“Well then” 

It’s a promise, that one day, they will take that leap and conquer the world. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter - I was really ill last weekend, had a death in the family, changed job roles and had an interview so it's been full on and an emotional rollercoaster which meant I didn't have time to do the final editing of this chapter until yesterday. 
> 
> Chapter 8 will be up at the weekend! 
> 
> As always let me know what you thought on here or on twitter (@wicked_lisboa)


	8. When she loved me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontations and Heartaches all around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, actually updating on time for once!! 
> 
> This one hurts, a lot, but sometimes need to fall apart before they can get built back up

Emma knows she promised to not seek out Mr Blanchard, but she cannot let that wretch just get away with it, and she does need to visit The Locksley’s anyway. 

Emma knocks and is not unsurprised when she is asked to wait - she will be intruding upon breakfast after all. When she is shown in she makes her introduction, she will be civil and polite to him especially in company. 

“I’m sorry to intrude at this early hour, a busy day ahead, you know how it is, I have a question for you Mrs Locksley” 

Marian almost chokes on her tea “Me” 

“Yes, Henry, lovely young lad - the one that was injured in the accident the other day” 

“Apologies Mr Blanchard, to be talking about such a thing, so soon after the death of Mrs Blanchard, my warmest condolences to you” 

Marian nods motioning her to continue “I was wondering if there would be a place at the school house, he’s a bright boy - very curious, and I think school would be good for him” 

Marian agrees, that would probably be acceptable, and to inform the parents that he would need to be there at 8 the following Monday. 

Emma thanks her, and makes her leave. 

She’s not surprised when she hears Leopold follow her, men - so predictable. 

“Mr Blanchard what can I do for you” 

“I fear I may have been too hasty in my approach to Miss Mills, and I want to assure you that I meant her no discomfort” 

Emma really really hates this man, but she’ll rise above it, for Regina. 

“Miss Mills has informed me of everything I need to know, including your indiscretion, so Mr Blanchard, I highly suggest that after this meeting you leave, grieve your wife.” 

“She wanted it more than me” 

“If you weren’t so insignificant I would whip you black and blue” 

He looks scared, and good because she would. 

“You would ruin her reputation too” 

“Yes and that is the only reason I am letting you walk away, so go, with something you barely deserve, a shred of dignity.” 

He nods and scuttles back to the house. 

///

Emma returns to Shibden, feeling lighter and happier than she has in days, she believes that somehow this is all going to work out. 

She passes Mary Margaret on the stairs, Mr Nolan is coming for tea

She’d been caught up in her own world that she had forgotten about that dalliance. “When” 

“4 O’Clock, will you be here” 

Emma knows she promised to give him the benefit of the doubt, promised she would try to like him but she has things to do “Probably not, sorry” she runs up the stairs before she can hear Mary’s protests. 

///

She pulls out her writing paper and writes to a Jeweller in York, she saw the perfect ring - a simple silver band, with an inscription Σε αγαπώ (I love you in Greek) and a small diamond, last week and just hopes it hasn’t been sold. 

She rushes to Halifax, wants to get the letter and the bankers draft posted today, so that it will arrive by midweek. 

///

“You’re lucky to have Miss Swan” Cruella states, the two had been sitting in a comfortable silence since Emma had left a couple of hours ago. 

“I know” 

“She’s very engaging, very worldly” 

Regina’s glad Cruella likes her. 

“I do think you need to consider the proposal, if that’s what it is” 

Regina sighs. She has considered it, in depth, but she’s love with Emma and she can’t, won’t lose Emma, not over him. 

“I have, I am, I have feelings for someone else, so I don’t think it’s fair on anyone if I don’t respect that” 

Zelena’s eyes widened - finally some gossip. 

///

Marian intends to make her annoyance known, not that Regina will listen.   
Regina wonders why she’d even said no visitors when it seems she has more than usual, she’d been waiting for Marian, no doubt coming to tell her how rude she was to Mr Blanchard. 

She listens to her rant about her lack of manners and how Robin had also made his displeasure known - he’s a member of the church board, he needs Mr Blanchard to take this position, didn’t appreciate her trying to jeopardise it. Regina nods and offers fake apologies and then makes her excuses. 

Once Regina leaves Marian turns to Cruella “I wondered if Regina had mentioned the proposal” 

“She has” Cruella confirms. 

“Oh” Marian says, well at least she is thinking of it she supposes. “And did she say what she thought her answer may be” 

Cruella hesitates - “She’s still considering it, but her heart belongs to someone else” 

Marian takes a deep breath. “Regina has become enthralled with someone yes, you see this person are not suitable for her” 

“Why not” Cruella questions.   
“They’re unnatural” 

Cruella gasps. 

///

Milah barely notices it, had the sun been at a different angle then she wouldn’t have done. She did see it though, the belt buckle. 

She had wondered if Killian’s story had ended already - and she’s not sad, had often wondered if this would be how she would end up, but that means Liam did it, and that hurts her. 

She intends to confront him, can see the fear in his eyes, but they’re interrupted by Henry’s father, sharing the good news about him going to the school. Milah smiles - glad that the boy is getting a second chance. 

///

Leopold knows that he cannot take the position, it’s a sideways move and would only benefit him if he were to secure Regina’s hand in marriage, it doesn’t matter though, he messed up at the meeting. He could do without the condescending looks from the Locksley’s though. 

///

Regina returns to the sitting room, and at first doesn’t notice that Cruella’s mood has soured. 

“What is it”   
Cruella looks pale, 

“I think you are in the worst kind of company, both in this world and the next.” 

Regina’s world collapses for the second time in as many days. Cruella knows and she doesn’t approve. It hurts more than she thought. Just hours ago she was enjoying Emma’s company and singing her praises. 

///

Emma is in her room when the note arrives, and naively hopes that Regina has perhaps heard about whether Leopold has accepted or rejected the position. 

It isn’t: 

My Love, 

I must beg of you to not send for the ring you mentioned. I love you, and one day I fully intend to marry you. When I do, I wish it to be the best day of our lives. I cannot in good conscious say that would be the case if you were to give me a ring soon. I have too many torments of the mind. I have also debated, at length, and come to the conclusion that I cannot travel with you in the near future. 

Yours,   
Regina. 

Emma wants to cry, and scream. She does neither of those things and instead begins to write her own note. She doesn’t understand the sudden change of mind. 

My Queen, 

The thing about our consciousness is that it often confuses us, forces us to choose between what we want and what is expected of us. It can cause the most vivid dreams and throw us toward the throngs of pleasure or it can cause us great restlessness. We will speak this over in the morning, and any future plans. 

Affectionately,   
Your Swan

///

Cruella knows she is being dismissed, but cannot stand to be here in this room with her for a moment longer. 

///

“What happened, What changed Regina” 

She can barely look at Emma,

“I think I should take Mr Blanchard up on his offer” 

Emma cannot believe this. She could live with not giving her the ring straight away - waiting until April like they had planned, but she will not stand by and let Regina marry that man. 

“Did he come here” it’s the only way this can make sense, maybe she should have whipped him after all.   
So she did confront him. It’s not the time to confront the fact that Emma lied to her, perhaps it will make this easier. 

“I just don’t think we should do this anymore” 

Emma’s heart breaks. 

“You haven’t sent off for that ring yet have you” 

Emma wants to scream that she has because she thought that this meant something. Thought that they were in love and fully committed. She doesn’t because she’s been the fool all along. Regina loves her, she believes that, but she loves her life more - the simplicity of it, Emma knew that. 

“What’s been said” she queries instead, it must have been something and she needs to know, a proper reason, not just I don’t think we should do this. 

“It’s wrong. Two men were hanged in front of thousands. Jeered at” 

Ah, Emma understands now, understands how real this has all become for Regina. 

“Who told you” She thinks she knows the answer, or at least where the idea comes from, but she needs to know for sure. 

“Miss DeVil” 

“How does she know what we do?” Emma asks, they’d been careful, especially after Marian. “Did you tell her

Regina knows Emma is upset but she doesn’t appreciate the accusatory tone. “She doesn’t but people are starting to take note of how much time we spend together, how close we are. No I didn’t tell her, I would rather die than tell her what we do” 

It’s harsh, perhaps overly so, but Regina needs Emma to know that this isn’t just her insecurities, she is petrified, to lose Emma will hurt, but to be hung in front of thousands or worse have to watch Emma be hung, well that would be worse. 

Emma can’t take this. 

“We are two women, two respectable women who are friends. That’s where it starts and it ends, then it will finally reflect badly on those making assumptions” Emma pleads. 

“We’re not just friends though are we Emma, and you said yourself we could never go back to being just friends. The longer we lie to ourselves, the more it is going to hurt” 

Emma knows what Regina is saying is true, doesn’t want it to make sense still “Have courage Regina” 

Regina smiles bitterly - this is the courageous option, to live with a man she doesn’t and could never love, to protect herself and Emma, that is not a decision she took lightly, it is not a foolish decision, it is a courageous one, Emma just needs to find the courage to accept it. 

“It’s not illegal, between women, it is between men, but not women” 

“It’s not” Regina asks, her mind is set,

“No but if the law were to change I would have to put my neck in the noose because I love and I only love the fairer sex. I was born like this” it feels so freeing to say it, to admit it, she has to hide it away or at least it dampens it. She loves women. Loves Regina and she is not afraid to say it. 

“What happens if I marry for Leopold, but for appearance, we could still be together.” 

Maybe Regina doesn’t know her after all because she would do a lot of things but she will not do that. 

“No. I can’t I won’t do that. I will not be the other woman. I want to marry somebody and be solely with that person. I don’t want to be your mistress Regina, I want to be your wife” 

“ Emma I adore you, when i’m with you everything makes sense, it’s all a little bit easier. I just can’t do it, not on my own” 

“Move in with me” 

Regina shakes her head, she wants it, but neither of them are in the place for that to be the right step. 

///

Neal needs to make his father understand how serious this is but he’s in a bad mood so highly doubts this conversation will go well. 

“What have you heard” 

“Got plans to sink her own pit, right above where we’ve been trespassing, you have to let me agree to her price” Neal begs

“I’m not playing her fucking games” his father hisses making it clear that this conversation is over. 

///

David is bumbling, he’s nervous, and he’s messing this up. He’s usually charming, but The Swan’s are a powerful family,and he’s just a rug merchant and this isn’t a fairytale. 

///

Emma returns to Crownest with the prayer book, hopes that it will bring her some comfort, she does not believe in bribery, not really, but if it brings a smile to Regina’s face (which it does) then she’s not above it. 

Regina asks what she did with the Bible and the ring, which stings. They’re safe. She wishes she had destroyed them now, but knows that they weren’t hers to get rid of. 

It’s stifling in the sitting room. Cruella is focused on her crochet, and Regina is reading a book. 

“How about a walk?” she asks. 

“My spine is too weak” is Regina’s reply, at least she replied. 

“I think we should travel to York, see Mr Booth again” Regina doesn’t give an answer, York will be too painful. 

“Backgammon” 

Regina agrees somewhat reluctantly. 

“You don’t have to stay Miss Swan, if you’re itching for a walk” 

It’s true, she doesn’t but she is nothing but stubborn. 

“We were all getting along so nicely” 

“Two’s company” 

Emma agrees, three is a crowd, but she is not the problem. 

Cruella leaves and Emma takes a deep breath. 

“You shouldn’t have said that. She’s my friend” 

“I know I’m sorry. I’ll apologise to her. We can work this out” 

Regina sighs. “How many times are we going to do this Emma. I wish we had stuck to our original plan, but then you made me decide by Monday and it’s a disaster, I can’t think straight. We give each other an answer and then do the opposite. I can’t do this” 

“You can, we can” 

“No I can’t. I am marrying Mr Blanchard” 

“Regina” 

“Emma you wanted an answer and you have it. It’s the only way I can stop them talking. To stop my brain from feeling like it is going to explode. This is wrong. It’s repugnant” 

“You do realise, it does occur to you, that I have feelings too and that when you say that it hurts. You agreed to marry me 2 days ago and now you’re going to marry him” 

“I’m” 

“Don’t, don’t apologise. You made your decision” 

“Goodbye Regina”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading - please do let me know what you thought! 
> 
> Happy Bank Holiday/Memorial Day weekend - not that we can go anywhere, but oh well, Stay Safe and Stay Well


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma prepares to go travelling without Regina, Regina gets ill - voices in her head that won't stop. Regina leaves for Scotland to get better, but not before Emma shows her something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, here is chapter 9. 
> 
> Sorry about the delay, but with everything going on in the world I struggled a bit to get the motivation to write this. I hope that you are all staying safe and well. 
> 
> Another emotional chapter, but not all bad!

Emma is always vigilant, knows that these roads are dangerous, especially as night falls, but she’d been distracted and let her guard down. It serves her right. Her face hurts, stings, but it is nothing compared to the pain in her chest. 

In a cruel twist of fate Belle informs her that a package has arrived, it’s the ring, the one she was going to give to Regina today.

/// 

“Those aren’t the sort of injuries you get from falling off a wall” Mary Margaret says condescendingly. 

Emma rolls her eyes, she really isn’t in the mood to fall out with her sister today. 

“If you could be present next time it would be appreciated” 

Emma has absolutely no intention of sticking around but that is a conversation for another day so she promises to be present. 

///

Ruby, 

I’m writing to enquire about a groom, as I am sure you are aware I’ve been without one since the tragic accident. I need someone with an intimate knowledge of horses, and a desire to travel. 

Yours,   
Swan

///

Ruby is intrigued to receive Emma’s letter, she’d heard rumours that Emma was planning on settling with Miss Regina Mills, maybe this is their last hoorah, or a honeymoon of sorts. 

Swan, 

I know just the person, his name is Roland, an unfairly beautiful young man, though sadly an orphan. He wishes to travel, and knows horses like the back of his hand. 

I must ask, is it Miss Mills, you plan to travel with , she seems to have wormed her way into your heart, I must congratulate her, so few succeed. 

Yours,   
Wolfe 

///

“Are you okay Granny?”

“Oh yes of course dear, I just couldn’t quite warm to Mr Nolan, he was very charming, perhaps overly so. He has done well for yourself and your sister is smitten.” 

Emma raises her eyebrows - Granny is always a good judge of character and she doesn’t wish Mary Margaret to be hurt. 

“It would be a great comfort to me though knowing you are both settled.” 

Emma sighs “I fear it may all be off between me and Miss Mills, fear she is too nervous for me. Which is a great shame because I have fallen for her more than I ever thought I would”

“She’s so sweet, She’s so kind, She’s good for me” 

Granny to her credit lets Emma speak, lets her get it out, and it feels nice to have someone to listen without judgement. 

“What is the problem” 

“Them. Her so called family. Filling her head with nonsense and horror stories.” 

///

“Lots of interest in the auction ma’am” 

“Ah yes, about that I want to put the pit sinking on hold, the Gold’s have got back to me and I’m considering their offer” 

“Forgive me for overstepping Emma, but have they not messed you about” 

“You’re forgiven Archie, and yes they have, but my circumstances have changed so I need to reassess, be even more certain in my decision” 

///

Regina wakes up in a cold sweat. It was so real, It is so real, the voices in her head. She needs Emma, Emma would know how to make them go away. Emma isn’t here though. 

/// 

“Neal, you wanted to discuss the coal pit, again. Have your circumstances changed?” 

Neal gulps “No but my father was under the impression that yours might have” 

Gossip really does travel fast. “They have, only slightly, and not for any reason your father might suspect. I want this whole thing resolved instead of going around in circles. I will offer you a slightly cheaper price on the upper bed, that is the only concession I will make. If you refuse this offer then the auction on Friday will go ahead.”

///  
This all feels a bit like deja vu and Emma is not entirely sure why she’s here. Regina had made it quite clear that she didn’t want her here anymore. 

The note from Kathryn had seemed urgent, and Emma is curious as to what happened with Miss DeVil. 

She arrives and Kathryn begins to explain - Regina’s always suffering with nightmares, Emma already knew this - but can’t say anything so just murmurs, “This one was so much worse than the last time.” 

“She she thinks she can hear voices” 

Emma’s face whitens, she thinks she knows what those voices might have been saying “Where is she”

She finds her passed out in her bedroom and she’s hit with a surge of pain, she should have been here. 

Regina stirs and for a moment the world is blurred. She sees Emma and she thinks maybe she is still asleep - that this is just part of the nightmare - in a second Emma won’t be here, she’ll be in a noose, the crimes against her being read out. 

She reaches for her, kisses her, it’s real, she’s real. She’s here. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” 

Emma wants to believe her, but she can’t. “You said what we did was repugnant” 

Regina’s face falls “I was wrong.” 

“I love you and I want to do all those things, not travelling. I'm still not in the right state of mind for that, but all the other things. 

Emma smiles sadly - she wants all those things to, but they can’t have them. Can’t do this dance again. 

“I will do all I can for you, but part of you meant what you said last night, so I think it’s best that we don’t revisit those plans,it hurts too much” 

Regina nods. She doesn’t like it, but she’ll live with it. If she gets Emma in her life for a little longer, she will take it and treasure whatever time they have” 

“Will you stay tonight, No one believes me, I’m hearing things - spirits”   
Emma knows she is only torturing herself by staying but she’s always been weak for Regina. 

Regina awakes suddenly - the bell is chiming, they’re talking about them , about Emma, 

I feel her, I see her  
The sun caught in her raven hair  
Is blazing in me  
Out of all control

Like fire  
Hellfire  
This fire in my skin  
This burning  
Desire  
Is turning me to sin

The voices, how can you not hear them, how come no one will. 

Emma can see how scared she is, and goes to take the weights out, she thinks that maybe it is the sound that is disturbing her. 

She returns to her room to find Regina in a fit, it’s only then that Emma realises truly how troubled Regina’s mind is and she is ashamed that she has not noticed it before. 

Breakfast the next morning is a solemn affair, both her and Kathryn have let Regina sleep in, they’re both scared for her. 

Emma suggests Regina going to visit her sister in Scotland, thinking that the fresh air and the solitude will do her some good. 

She also asks that Kathryn does not say how bad it is to everyone else - if they know they will have her put in an asylum and that’s the worst place for Regina right now. 

Kathryn agrees, cannot bear to see Regina in such an institution . 

///

“Have you heard from your sister” Hades asks

“No, not since last week” Zelena replies. 

“There seems to be some new anxiety about her health” 

“Oh,” 

“She has suggested a Doctor, in York” 

Zelena hums - her sister is very fond of Miss Lister, and she is well connected; the doctor would be very good. She knows her husband has other ideas. 

“I could go and fetch her, take my mother on a trip” 

Zelena knows the decision is already made, she just hopes her husband truly does have her sister's interest at heart. 

///

Emma is fuming, as if she didn’t have enough to worry about, now someone is digging up her land. She needs to hit something, or someone, preferably Mr Gold, in the face. 

She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she chooses someone else then The Gold’s get away with stealing the coal. If she goes with the Gold’s she may get the price, but she is going to keep going around in circles. 

///

She spends another night with Regina, repeating The Lord’s Prayer, over and over, it’s the only thing that seems to comfort her. 

“I’ve got to go”

“You’ll come back” 

She should leave, leave and go to Paris and lose herself in the smells, the scenery, the freedom of the city. 

She won’t. She’ll stay. She’ll stay even as her heart is breaking. 

/// 

Regina receives a letter from her sister, informing her that her husband, is on his way down, has some business this side of the border, but that it would be no inconvenience for him to pick her up and bring her back to Scotland with him. 

It’s framed as a choice, but Regina knows it isn’t. 

She loves Scotland, and she hasn’t seen her sister in a while, but she’ll be so far away from everyone, from Emma. 

“What do you think?” she asks Kathryn and Emma. 

Kathryn is first to speak “I think it will be good for you, you and your sister haven’t seen each other in a while, Scotland is lovely and you can see the little one - Margot”

It would be nice to see Margot she supposes. 

“The doctors in Edinburgh are excellent, you’d be in good hands, and Dr Booth did prescribe good clean air.” 

“He meant Paris and Europe, with you” she protests. 

“The time for that has gone, you’re not well enough,” It’s a blow but one Regina had expected. 

“You will still go though” 

Emma can’t look at her “Yes, that’s my intention yes” 

“With whom” 

“No one” 

“Do ladies do that” Kathryn interrupts. 

“Not ordinarily no”

Regina understands what Emma is not saying. She may travel alone, but Regina has no doubt she will have liasons along the way. It hurts more than she thought it would. 

Emma asks Kathryn for a moment alone, she gladly agrees, the two women clearly mean a lot to one another and this seems like a goodbye. 

///

Emma looks at Regina, can see the pain, the fear in her eyes, she also sees the love, the way her brown orbs widen. The sun is highlighting every freckle, every lose strand of hair and Regina looks beautiful. 

She will lay her heart on the line one more time. She will ask properly this time. No pieces of paper, no midnight conversation. Two women madly in love, 

“I bought a ring, I know you told me not to, I already had it, and it’s beautiful. Will you take the sacrament with me, will you commit yourself to me as I will to you. Will you love me until death do us part, in sickness and in health. Will you say yes, not because you’re scared to be alone tonight, but because you are all in” 

It is beautiful, so beautiful. It’s perfect. Emma is perfect. 

She isn’t. 

Sometimes you have to let the ones you love go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Reviews, Kudos and Comments always appreciated
> 
> I believe that reading in any forms should be escape, but should anyone want to talk about Black Lives Matter protests or coronavirus then feel to reach out on twitter @wicked_lisboa


	10. Somebody You Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Regina and Emma set off on their travels, but in opposite directions. Emma to London and Regina to Scotland. Is this the break they both need or are they running away from their feelings and insecurities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of this story (two more chapters to go after this!) thank you for all the support so far. 
> 
> This is a HEAVY chapter, and given the state of the world I did think about delaying it, but ultimately decided not too, however please do consider the following trigger warnings carefully and if they apply to you then skip those parts. 
> 
> TW for Illusions of Domestic Abuse (marked with TWDA), Graphic Self harm and suicidal thoughts (TWSH) 
> 
> There is also some non swan queen sex (ruby x emma) in this chapter as well
> 
> With all that said, I do hope you enjoy this chapter as I put a lot of work in.

Emma is doing exactly what she had promised herself not to do. Again. She needs to say goodbye. She needs to see Regina one last time. 

For the first time since she has known Regina she feels awkward at Crows Nest, she makes her introductions to Mr Hades and his mother and polite conversation about itinerary, before making her way upstairs. 

She gets to the bedroom and stops. Should she go in or knock, she decides to knock. 

“You came”

“I did” it’s laced with sadness

“Stay tonight, one last time” 

“Okay”

Their night is full of passion, reaching higher and higher. Tracing every inch of their bodies. Committing everything to memory. It’s not enough and too much at the same time. 

Emma can’t help herself, she begins to cry. 

“Emma” Regina asks concerned, she’s never seen Emma like this

“I understand why you can’t be with me, why you can’t commit.” she sobs “How could anyone, it’s just every day I rise above it, the words, the jabs, the looks, I pretend like it’s okay , like they don’t really know me. They do though. They know me and don’t accept me and that’s, that’s soul destroying. With you I thought I could have it all” 

Regina has never felt so guilty, but her guilt and apologies mean nothing when she leaves tomorrow, when she can’t say yes, so instead she hugs Emma, let’s her cry. 

///

The new groom arrives, and he seems eager, which is good, perfect as long as he does not take shortcuts. He is attractive, one supposes, if you are into men. Which she is not. 

///

Mary Margaret is stressed and angry, and as much as Emma loves her sister, she prays that this is not something to do with Mr Nolan, she doesn’t have the strength for that conversation today. 

“Mr Gold approached me today at the branch, taunting me about how he had the deeds to Shiden, about how you’d put them up as some kind of guarantee” 

Emma can’t quite believe that her sister thinks she is capable of doing something so ridiculous “Of course I didn’t. The deeds to Shibden are right here, in this room” 

“So why did he say it then” Mary Margaret protests. 

That is the question that Emma longs to know the answer to. 

Sensing that Mary Margaret needs proof Emma takes the keys from her pocket and goes to get the deeds, it seems to reassure her slightly, there’s something else though. 

“He made a lewd comment about me and Mr Nolan. How someone would only marry me to get my hands on the coal” 

Emma will kill him. Doesn’t care about the consequences. He is taking this too far. 

He’s scared though. Scared that she could actually win. 

She wishes she could still sink her own pit. She can’t - not without risking everything and she won’t do that. 

///

She visits Dr Booth, August is a friend, and she also needs to know if Regina is okay. 

“I do not know, the letter was brief, but it seems she did not seek Medical attention as they passed through Edinburgh.” 

Emma had feared that would be the case but there is nothing she can do. 

///

“Mr Gold, such a pleasure” 

He is drunk, the stench is overwhelming. 

“Why did you say that to my sister” 

“I said nothing, your sister is soft” 

“My sister is not soft. You scared her. You humiliated her, all to get at me.” 

I have not shared my concerns, my evidence regarding your misgivings public, because I believed that we could sort this out in a civil way. Thought someone of your stature deserved that, but I will share my evidence, will let the people decide. You think people love you, think that people respect you, they don't, they are scared of you. They shouldn’t be, because you are nothing but a drunk. 

///

The hardest part of travelling is leaving. Shibden may drive her crazy, but it’s home and she loves her family. 

She hates to see her Granny so upset, it gets harder every time, knowing that it may be the last time she sees her. 

“You musn’t be cross if I do call you back, for Granny” 

“I won’t” 

They have a complicated relationship, her and Mary Margaret but she will miss her. 

///

Regina doesn’t hate Scotland as much as she first thought she was. It’s quieter here, or it would be if it weren’t for the three youngsters running rings around her sister, they’re loud but adorable and it makes Regina yearn for children one day. Children which, if she’s ever brave enough to follow her heart she could never have. 

She’s started drawing more too, a portrait of Emma has always said she would draw her one day, it helps soothe her nerves and anxiety, but again does little to solve the problem of her heart. 

She’s distracted for a second by her sister entering the room - with Margot who is finally feeling a little better. 

“Greg’s cousin Mr Facillier is going to be visiting, now I know it might be a bit awkward, considering last time, but you mustn't feel that way, it’s just a family gathering” 

That may be, but Regina fears it sounds suspiciously like a date. 

///

She arrives at Ruby’s house and is greeted by Billy. He looks upset, heartbroken even. 

“You’re leaving” 

“My nephew was involved in an accident, got word he died this morning. I am going to Chesire to be with the family” 

“Oh I’m so sorry, what happened?” 

“He was visiting a factory with his sister, his sleeve got caught and well” it’s Ruby that answers, but she doesn’t need to answer that question, they all know how it ends. 

///

“Are you alright?” Ruby clearly isn’t. 

“He wants me to go with him, and I don’t want to go”

///

Ruby leads them to the bedroom. 

It’s familiar, it’s comforting, it’s simple. They both know what the rules are. Both know that this is casual, easy, and it is. It feels good to be with someone without any complications. To just feel. 

“I had no idea you were so close, I knew you were something, that much was obvious, but I didn’t know you were that close” 

“We weren’t, not at the start. At the start it was neither here nor there, she was there and she was beautiful and I was bored. I don’t know” 

“It’s all off then” Ruby asks, because Emma has said that they are, but she is doing a poor job of convincing anyone, least of all herself. 

“Yes” she mumbles, feeling pesky tears threaten to fall again. 

“Are you crying Swannie” it’s said in jest, but also because Ruby has seen Emma cry twice in her life, once because of Elsa and once when her mother died. 

Emma nods, wiping the stray tears away. 

“Is she really rich” 

“Yes, but that’s not why” 

“What then” 

“I really thought she would say yes” 

“To” 

“To taking the sacrament, to marrying me” 

“All the things we were going to do?” Ruby asks

Emma is exasperated, it’s fairly obvious what she meant “Yes, but then you married Billy” 

///

The journey to London begins as an awkward one, regailing itinerary. 

“Do you think it’s going to rain?” Emma asks, pulling out her thermometer. 

Ruby can’t help but smile - Emma will have only packed one coat, a couple of jackets, maybe a dress (she does own one she’s seen it) in order to keep packing light yet she still carries around that ridiculous thermometer. 

“You perhaps don’t realise the implications Em, William was the heir to Billy’s inheritance, with his death who knows who it will be but I’m sure they won’t hesitate to cut me out” 

“I’m sure Billy will have made arrangements” Emma argues. 

“I’m not, not by the way he talks to me. If he dies Em I’ll have nobody and I thought...nevermind” 

“You thought what Rubes” 

“I thought that I’d be going back to you, at Shibden” she says shyly. 

Ah, Emma understands now, “There is always a place for you at Shibden, but we wouldn’t be together - not like that. That ship has sailed Rubes” 

“It didn’t have to, you weren’t ready” 

“You said no, never” 

“I didn’t” 

“Yes, you did. Why would I make something like that up” Emma hates this, hates arguing with Ruby, had hoped they’d got to the point where they could be friends. 

“I I don’t know” 

“Rubes let’s not do this, let’s not fight” 

///

“I believe Zelena mentioned my cousin would be joining us” 

Oh yes she did and Regina already knows what is coming. 

“I would consider it a great kindness if you would dine with us”

Regina longs to say no, but it’s more hassle than it’s worth “Of course” 

///

“You’re just going to ignore me then, spend the rest of the next two days furiously writing - no doubt about me, and reading” 

“Yes, Ruby, because I can’t talk to you right now, you’ve brought up too many painful memories.” 

“Like” 

“Scarborough 10 years ago, Blackstone Edge” she says dismissively 

“Ah yes where every second we were both judged, where people barely hid their whispers and their jeers. I felt like a panda in a cage. Like one of those people from the colonies that people pay a shilling to look at, to prod.” 

“I put up with you because I loved you, I love you”

“I hate this. I hate arguing with you. You’re one of the few people I can feel like I can be me, and I don’t want to lose that, I don’t want to lose you. I can’t do this Ruby, this going around with circles, not with you. We’ve made mistakes. We’ve made decisions we have come to live with. Can we not just be friends” Emma pleads. 

“We can never just be friends” 

“If you’re serious then come back to Shibden with me, I won’t go to Paris, we can go back, and give us a try” 

Ruby looks at her with a sadness and a longing that Emma is becoming too familiar with. 

People often think that saying those three words is hard, and it is. 

Meaning them is harder. 

///

Regina says the Lord's Prayer, it has become a nightly ritual, it doesn’t stop the voices, not completely, but it does ease them. 

She picks up the sketch book beside her bed, and opens it the penultimate page, it’s a portrait of Emma, she traces the curve of her smile, runs her finger down her body, remembering the nights of endless pleasure. 

She misses her. 

She longs for her. 

There’s a knock at the door and she closes the sketch book. 

It’s her sister. 

“Came to say goodnight, You’ve had a good day today” 

It has been a good day, all things considered. 

“Can I look” 

Regina nods, knows her sister would not say anything, “These are really good Regina, you have an eye”

“Thank you for today, for agreeing to dinner”

“I won’t marry him Ze, if that’s what the intention is” 

Ze smiles, she knows that already, knows her sister's heart belongs to someone else, and she hopes that Regina’s health can improve enough for her to go and get the love she so desperately deserves. “I know, and you will not marry anyone you do not wish to, but let them join us for dinner, and be civil, nothing more, nothing less” 

Regina can agree to that. 

“I want to go home” it’s vulnerable and honest. 

(TWDA)

“You’re frightened of him Ze aren’t you?” She sees it, hidden in her sister's eyes. Growing up Ze was always the more rebellious, the more sure of herself, she wants her to be okay” 

“It’s so much more complicated when you have children, but I will always look after you”

“I know, and one day Ze, one day I will help you, just as you are helping me”   
/// end of TW for DA

They arrive in London, and Ruby’s made her decision. While Emma respects it, she can’t bring herself to stay in the hotel room with her, and needs some space. She sees a note, Elsa’s sister Anna has given birth, Anna had always been a little too sunshine and rainbows for Emma, but she was full of a curious energy that she admired, she’s married to a kind man called Kristof, from Norway Emma believes and has just given birth to a little one. 

Emma is not usually one for babies, they scare her, they’re so small and fragile and she feels scared she is going to drop them, Anna’s little one Aurora is a beauty and she cannot resist the urge to hold her tiny little hands. 

“Who are you travelling with?” 

“I travelled down to London with Miss Wolfe, but she won’t be travelling across the water with me”

Anna smiles, and thankfully doesn’t push instead she offers her tips on what she should visit if she goes to Copenhagen. 

///

Ruby loves and hates seeing Emma like this, she has come alive since entering the city, her whole body seems lighter, she thrives on the hussle and bussle. She also forgets that Ruby is there, has other far more interesting people to see. 

This Lady Fa must be someone very special to get Emma to wear a gown, a low cut gown at that. Emma looks amazing and she tries not to be too jealous.

“It’s curious” 

“What is” 

“You haven’t mentioned Miss Mills once since setting foot in this city” 

“Yes, well I have to move on, and if one tires of London, one tires of life” 

“What do you get from these people?” Ruby is genuinely curious, Emma is worldly in so many ways but like everyone she has a desperate need to be liked, to feel wanted, and Ruby fears that sometimes makes her blind to people’s true intentions. 

“They’re curious, they want to learn about the world, they don’t settle” 

“You don’t think that you’re just a novelty, an entertaining freak” 

“You’re saying that to be hurtful”

She is, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. 

“Billy is here” 

Emma smirks, she doesn’t want to be right, in fact she desperately wants to be wrong, but Ruby is jealous and it doesn’t suit her. 

/// **TWSH (Self Harm)

Regina looks in the mirror, she looks tired, broken. She wants this to end. Doesn’t want to live, not without Emma. 

She hears her glass shatter in her hand, had forgotten it was there. It cuts her, deep, but she doesn’t feel a thing. 

She knows it won’t help, not really, but in that moment it doesn’t matter. 

It gives her a way to direct her pain. 

It stops the voices in her head. 

She takes the shard of glass and slices her wrist. 

/// End of TW 

Emma loves travelling, it’s her escape, but this time it doesn’t feel like escapism, it feels like running. 

“We’re going to Scotland” 

She is running, she’s scared, more than she ever has been. 

“We’re going to Paris”

/// ** TWSH again until the end of the chapter. 

She doesn’t regret it, doesn’t regret cutting herself, she should - they’ll send her way now, To an institution.   
She doesn’t care. 

She doesn’t want to live anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is the lowest for our ladies, it's gets better from here. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and thanks to those that leave kudos - please don't be shy and leave a comment, I love to know what people liked and didn't it makes me a better writer. 
> 
> Stay Safe, Be Kind


	11. Home, Love, Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma is in Europe, Regina is in Scotland. They say absence makes the heart go fonder - is that true for our two favourite ladies?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the penultimate chapter, it's quite fast paced, but not too painful for once! Enjoy

They’d made good progress crossing the water, the weather and the wind had been kind to them. Emma had intended to stop in Paris for a few days, and as much as she loved the city - the French were so much more open to exploration than the English, it lacked the appeal it once had. It felt wrong to be there alone so they’d made haste towards Copenhagen accompanying a Anna, to her sister Beth. 

“I will only ever marry for love” she’d stated quite indignantly. 

Emma hears a lot of people say it, but she believes Anna can see the fire in her eyes. She knows what she wants out of this world and she will get it, some way or the other. 

“Who are you running away from” 

Emma smirks, she likes this girl, even if asks too many questions

“What makes you think I’m running away” 

“You’re, you were, travelling alone” 

Emma smiles, she won’t answer her, but admires her gusto. 

Truth is she’s concerned about Regina, had hoped she’d be doing better, but she received a letter in Paris from her sister, which seemed to indicate otherwise, seemed to indicate she’d got worse. She hopes there will be a letter for her when she arrives in Copenhagen. 

///

There’s a problem. Six Weeks in. They’ve cut corners, taken a risk, sinking this pick and it’s not working. 

///

The weather is less kind when they get the boat to Copenhagen, the sea is rough, not a voyage for the faint of heart, or one who lacks their sealegs. 

Copenhagen is beautiful, even in the torrential rain and Anna’s sister, Sarah seems lovely - talkative like Anna with the same good nature too. 

“You don’t have any correspondence for me do you” 

“We do actually” 

There is a letter from Ruby, and from the looks of it Archie, but nothing from her aunt or Regina’s sister. 

She’s hoping that is because things have improved, and not got even worse. 

///

Regina looks out at the bay - it’s a beautiful day and a lovely view, and it should be a comfort to her, but it isn’t, it just reminds her of how alone she is. 

Zelena is worried about her sister, worried next time she might succeed. 

She also thinks it strange Miss Swan had not replied. She suspects that her husband might have had something to do with it and decides to ask him. 

He denies being in receipt of such a letter, he is lying though. Bastard. 

“I’m not sure the obsession with Miss Swan is a healthy one” he states

“It is not an obsession it is a friendship, and she has always been kind to Regina, to both of us” 

“I’m going to ask my cousin to visit again, persuade him to ask her again” 

“No” Zelena shouts. 

“It will do her good” he counters

“It won’t and you know it” 

///

Emma is often amazed at people’s kindness, their welcome, she is always nervous when invited to a dinner party with people she does not know, but within minutes the nerves ease and she feels herself begin to relax. 

The people of Denmark are some of the most relaxed she has come across, the talk of being presented at court has her on edge. She does not feel like she belongs in the royal company, her new friends seem insistent and who is she really to deny such an invitation. 

///

Mary Margaret is worried about Granny. She has seemed more tired lately. She hears her coughing at night, it’s chesty and far from healthy. She knows Granny - knows that she would not want Emma to come home unnecessarily, especially when it is clear she is getting on so well. Mary Margaret just fears that if Granny doesn’t tell anyone how bad it really is, it will be too late for Emma to return. 

///

Regina stares out the window, Zelena has persuaded her to come inside before she catches a chill, and finds herself turning to the sketch of Emma. 

Emma is gone, she’s in Copenhagen now, probably with someone who actually wanted and was brave enough to travel with her. 

Regina needs to move on. Can’t keep living in this torment. 

She tears out the page and tosses it into the fire. 

It doesn’t help her heavy heart. 

///

Emma’s first presentation of court will be her last. She’d curtsied to the wrong person, which she would laugh at in years to come but it was still mortifying and embarrassing. 

The Queen had taken it in her stride and seemed interested to learn about Halifax. 

Emma struggled to know what to say - there was so little going on in Halifax. 

“We must always embrace the future” 

“Do you always wear black” it’s not a question she was expecting, but then maybe she should have, ladies are expected to comment on what one another wears. 

“Yes, your majesty” Emma stammers

“Why?” 

Emma had assumed it would be a quick curtsey and a welcome to Denmark, evidently not. 

“I was engaged to someone, they said no, so I wear black” 

“When was this? “ The Queen questions

“17 years ago” yes it’s pathetic 

“As I said, one must always look to the future” 

Emma did that, with Regina, and yet she’s still here, alone and with a broken heart. 

“When you attend my birthday ball, everyone will be wearing white” 

Emma nods, is shocked she is invited, but the Danish keep surprising her, so yes she will wear white, just this once. 

///

She arrives at the ball and is greeted with dancing and music and for the first time in a while Emma feels alive. 

Emma sees Anna she looks bored, and as exciting as this party seems to be, every party needs something to make it memorable. 

“Would you like to dance?” she asks. 

“With who” 

“Me, come on” 

Before Anna, has a chance to say no, they are doing the quickstep along with everyone else, there are a few glances and raised eyebrows, but the world does not stop. 

///

Regina is bored. 

“Do you like being a mother?” Regina asks. 

“Yes” 

“Ze, honestly” Regina sighs

“It’s tiring and hard work, but I wouldn’t be without them” Zelena affirms

“I keep thinking if maybe I should just accept Facillier’s proposal” she mutters. 

“Why are you saying that?” Ze questions

“It’s what everyone wants isn’t it” Regina is being petulant and she knows it, but she doesn’t care. 

“What do you want?” 

“I can’t have what I want” Regina laments

“I don’t think you should marry him” Zelena whispers

“What why?” Regina hasn’t seen her sister rebel like this since they were little. 

“He’s penniless, a trickster, starts all these adventures and loses money on each one. Plus you clearly don’t love him, you’re better than that, better than him” 

“It may not be a happy existence, but it would give meaning, instead of this” 

Zelena knows she needs to tell her, knows she needs to be brave, she’s scared, if Greg finds out, which he will, she’ll be left alone with three kids and disgraced. 

“Emma did write”

Regina is astounded, Zelena had seen how low she was, how close to giving it all up she was and she didn’t think to tell her Emma had been in contact.   
“What, when?” 

“6 weeks ago, I wrote to her, got her address through her Granny, I asked for her forwarding address in Copenhagen but never received it, I think Greg has destroyed it. You need to go home Regina, you aren’t happy here, you aren’t happy without her” 

“How?” 

“You’re not going to like it, but it’s the only way” Zelena says. 

“The Locksley’s” 

It’s true they aren’t her favourite people, not anymore, but they kept her secret and they are kind, they care for her, even in ways that are overbearing at times. They have the means to help her. It’s the only way. 

///

Granny enjoys receiving the correspondence from Emma, it seems she is finally finding herself again, moving on, she wishes she could do it closer to home, but Emma has always been restless, a wanderer. 

Doctor Whale knows it will be difficult, knows that Granny won’t like this, won’t want to send for Emma. 

It’s gangrene, it is not always deadly, but it often is, and Emma is not just down the road, she needs to be told. 

///

Emma reads the note twice, she may not like Doctor Whale, but he is a sound medical doctor, and knows that he would only call her back if it seemed necessary. 

It seems Emma can no longer deny the pull of home, of love, of family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, the final chapter will be posted next weekend. 
> 
> I know at this point I'm a broken record but please do comment and leave kudos - I spent around 6 months writing and editing this and it's only my second multi chapter fic so I really do want any feedback!


	12. I will always love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Regina reunite, can they resolve their issues and achieve the happiness they so desperately deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy chapter finally! It's also the final one. I hope you like it.

Liam had finally thought his life was on the right track, finally thought he was free. His father was gone, and the whole family had been happier. 

He was to marry, have kids, grow old and grey on this farm. 

Life is not a fairytale, not his life anyway, and his life was about to come crashing down. 

It’s his Uncle. 

“Where’s my brother?” 

“He just disappeared, we think he’s gone to America” 

“Ah” 

“You see I fell on a bit of hard luck myself, lost the only bit of work I did have, and was hoping I could stay here for a few days” 

Liam wants to say no, it complicates things, but he can’t, maybe this will help assuage his guilt. .

///

Emma is frustrated and angry. She needs to get home. Will never forgive herself if she’s not there when the unthinkable happens. 

///

The plan is set, but it’s a tight turn around. 

They should make it to Edinburgh tonight, they’ll be safe there. 

He’s been spotted coming up the lane. 

It’s not ideal, Robin offers to deal with it, Regina snickers, he looks like he’s going to faint. 

“No I’ll deal with it”

Everyone's a little shocked, they haven’t seen Regina be this assertive in a long time. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Home” 

Hades' face is a picture, and Regina would feel victorious if she weren’t so worried about her sister. 

Zelena smiles, it doesn’t reach her eyes, but Regina knows she will be okay. 

///

Emma has never been so glad to see Shibden. 

She rushes up the stairs and sees Granny, she looks well, better than well, she looks better than she did when she left. 

Emma is angry, she shouldn’t be, not really, this is where she belongs, but she’s tired and hungry and this place has too many memories.

Emma lies on the bed next to Granny, and she’s glad she’s better, glad that they can chat. Being here like this with Granny is the only time she can be still. 

/// 

She knows this is bad, knows from the look on his face.

“Where are the deeds to Shibden” 

“Well” 

“Well nothing Emma, there was a partial collapse, if anything else goes wrong, then that’s it, we’re finished, we lose Shibden” 

///

Regina knows Emma will have found someone else, is living the life she has dreamed of, but she needs to write to her, to let her know that she is back at Crows Nest, and that if she were ever to return to England she would love to see her, to catch up. 

She could have sent a servant over, and as she knocks on the door to Shibden Hall she is not quite sure why she didn’t, it’s too late now. 

She feels nervous, and a little stupid standing in front of Mary Margaret and Emma’s father. 

“I’d be grateful for Emma’s address in Copenhagen” 

Mary Margaret beams “She’s not in Copenhagen, she’s here, arrived back last night” 

“She’s here” Regina can’t believe it. 

“Well not in the house, but in Shibden” now Mary Margaret is just rambling. 

///

Regina makes her way to the hilltop where the mine is, it’s beautiful, peaceful, you can see for miles, but right now Regina is focused on just one thing - a silhouette crouching in the distance. 

“Emma”

She turns, it can’t be her. 

It is. 

“I thought you were in Copenhagen” 

“I am...I was” Regina still makes her fumble over her words. 

“Aren’t you in Scotland?” Emma counters

“I was, I never got your letter.” 

“Are you okay” it’s a redundant question, because Emma is clearly not okay, she looks exhausted, her face almost gaunt. 

“The pit collapsed. I took a risk. I shouldn’t have. We are not alive if we aren’t taking a risk” 

Regina smiles, Emma’s said that before, but for the first time she believes it. 

“No, no we’re not” 

“God I missed you” it’s raw and it’s honest and Emma can already feel her heart beating and breaking again. 

“I don’t think there was a moment I didn’t think of you” 

Regina smiles. She felt, feels the same. 

“If you asked me to marry you again, I wouldn’t say no” 

Emma doesn’t want to believe it, doesn’t want to believe that she could have this, she’s lost it too many times before. 

“Would you say yes” 

“Yes” Regina says with conviction

“Stick to it and mean it” Emma asks, because she cannot be let down again. 

“Yes. I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you.” Regina is sure, she knows now, that this is it, Emma is her person. 

“I’m not as strong as you think, most of the time I am, but some of the time I’m not” Emma cracks

Regina knows that, knows that behind the confidence is a shy little girl who just wants to fit in, to be loved. 

“I’m stronger than you think, and we can be even stronger together” 

Emma launches into the kiss, it’s desperate and sweet, full of fire and passion, and desire. It’s a thousand apologies, millions of I love you’s. It’s a promise of tomorrow. 

///

People take the sacrament every week, it’s a ritual that gives many faith, hope, and everlasting peace. 

Some people find it in God, they have found it in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read, commented and left kudos it really makes me smile and makes me feel like I'm not the only one that cares about this fic! 
> 
> If you've saved it to binge read - I hope you like the rollercoaster. 
> 
> Happy Monday

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks hope you enjoyed this first chapter. Next update will be Friday (as it is Anne Lister’s birthday), but updates will usually be a Saturday. The fic is complete, so it’s just a case of me checking each chapter before I post. Comments will make my day. 
> 
> History Things:  
> The first steam train was called the locomotive 1 and was built in Yorkshire for the Stockton to Darlington Railway in 1825. 
> 
> Anne Lister was one of 6 children but all apart from Marian and herself died before they reached the age of 20, as was common during the time period. 
> 
> Prior to the 19th Century (1800s) abortion was actually legal and practiced under common law (though it still brought great shame on yourself and your family) but was made illegal in 1803 with further laws passed in 1828 and 1837. Methods such as a herbal tea (containing poisonous plants) and hot baths and gin were two of the most common for illegal and backstreet abortions. Abortion was not made legal again until 1967 (though an act in 1929 did make abortion legal if the mother’s life was threatened due to the birth of the child) 
> 
> Anne’s code is widely considered to be a mix of ancient greek and algebra. 
> 
> Being a lesbian has never been illegal in the UK and as such there was no legal punishment for it(unlike being gay or as it was referred to historically as Sodomy) however it was not socially accepted and many women lived closetted lives like Miss Lawton who married a man to protect her status in society. Anne alongside the Ladies of Llangollen (two Irish women who fled to Wales and lived together on an estate there for the rest of their lives) are the most well known and earliest lesbians we have a record of.


End file.
